I'm listening to monks. It's a part of this new "calm" thing. They make me feel better about things. I'm not religious usually. Yet lately I feel this pull. Not to go to church certainly, I find it very difficult to commit to organized religions of any kind. But I feel pulled towards something spiritual. Something higher and greater than myself. To take time in my busy world, where my head is full of grocery lists and Greek drama, to look around and really see things the way they are can be amazing at times. The fact that the world exists at all, that even though we destroy one another, there can still be moments of peace and beauty... That seems pretty divine to me.

I wonder about God a lot. I wonder if there is God, what is he doing? Is he lonely sometimes? Or are there angels? Does he feel the weight of the world upon his godly shoulders? And if he really does care about each and every one of us, how does he stop himself from getting completely depressed?

Then I wonder about ancient religions, religious that believed there was a balance, between female and male power that everything had its complement. What happened to those religions? Why are we so quick to believe that pagans and witches are phonies? Are they really? Or do they know something so old and wise that we might not be able to comprehend wholly in our rushed, technologically dependent society?

Could it be that there might not be one truth?

Could it be enough to believe that there is a power that is greater than we are and leave it at that?

I remember when I was a child; I vehemently believed that there were fairies and magic. That if my mind was used in the right way then I could move objects with it. Sometimes, when things were rough, because my childhood was very difficult in some aspects, I believed that I was a fairy child. I believed that the reason I didn't fit in, why my parents didn't seem to notice me, was that I was a fairy child left here to be raised by humans. I believed that my real parents were in some beautiful elven realm, just waiting for the day when it was right to bring me home...

Why can't we still be as willing to believe that we are special in some divine way that we did when we were children?

I will tell you a secret... When I have a hard time sleeping at night, or when I wake up from one of my nightmares and am too scared to fall back asleep, I sometimes use the trick I used as a little girl... I close my eyes and arrange the pillows around my body. I snuggle into my covers and take deep breaths. Then I imagine Aslan from The Chronicles of Narnia is curled around my body keeping me safe through the night. It may be childish, but even at twenty-two it slows my heartbeat, and allows me to finally sleep.

Goodnight...