I cannot stand it when people waste my time. I was supposed to go condo shopping with D today (he thinks he needs to move to the city, for whatever reason) and I lay in bed til almost one and he doesn't call me. So I start thinking "this is a daylight kind of project" and call him. It had not even occurred to him that he should call me. We decided on not doing it today. Which really, is better for me because he's been on my last nerve for the past few days.

Why is it that people cannot plan? Nobody wants to try to plan Spring Break. Nobody wants to plan (in a timely fashion) when we go out. Nobody wants to plan anything in general. I'm not talking charts and power point presentations here folks, just a simple when and where at least five hours in advance. HOW IS THAT SO DIFFICULT? D is quoted as saying "My entire life is structured, I'm not going to start structuring my social life too." Fine.

I have to admit that I'm annoyed by D because he doesn't behave the way I think he should. We've been sleeping together for over a year, we're best friends, and yet... The truth is that I have locked myself into something that is never going to produce what I want it to; a safe, satisfying relationship with someone I love. I mean really, its maddening, its all there: chemistry, friendship, compatibility, caring, fun.... I even love him. Just one thing missing: him loving me. Friends of ours insist that he loves me, that we are perfect together. But still, nothing. Its been ok for a while, I have been content to be comfortable in the relationship that we have. After all, this whole E thing has been up my butt for the past year (more on that later) and I haven't had a lot of time to think about what I'm missing with D. That's changed. I find myself now, just wanting to hold hands with him, or snuggle next to him on the couch. I can literally feel the hollow in my chest every time I want to be close to him and its like there is this force field around him that pushes me away. The weird sex/friendship combo is starting to not be enough. It is hard to stop myself from welling up even now. It just feels sad to me, two people who deserve to be happy so much, can't be happy with each other. And that's my life, one series of misalignments after another. Never in the right place at the right time.