Mostly I just want to say that I hate yesterday.
Mama called me to tell me that The Ex has moved to the city with the Incredible Skank-Ho that he cheated on me with. Its nice that they're still together isn't it? Here's the weird thing (apparently) after all those months of him ruining my life in any way conceivable, I was a little angry that he was moving here. All I got from anyone was "Why are you mad?" and "Don't waste your energy on him" (Except for BQ who said "Why NOT be mad? Just don't STAY mad." Good answer). Really? Why shouldn't I be angry with someone who made my life a living hell, just because he could? I MOVED HERE to get away from him, to have enough time without running into him that I became totally self-destructive. Yes, there were other reasons for the move, but those reasons all stem out of one core reason. The things that happened after my rape, the months of abuse, the name-calling, those are the things that are driving my real "issues" now. So yup, I had time to take ten minutes out of my day and be fuckin' pissed that he can move on with his life and I have to keep dealing with all the shit he gave me, and that he gets to do it here in my new place, not ten minutes from me, with her. She's a real prize too, it wasn't enough that she was helping him cheat on me, she had to call enough times to where I had to get my number changed, just to rub it in. They deserve each other, that kind of malicious behavior can only be rewarded with more malicious behavior. Anyway, I'm venting here...
Finally, yesterday I just decided that enough was enough, and when D called me to see if I wanted to hang out, I said yes. I thought out of anyone, in the whole world he would understand how I was feeling. I couldn't have been more wrong. I haven't written much about the things that have gone on with us lately, its been a slippery slope, up one way then back down another. He's been pretty stressed out by school, so I've been kind of staying out of his way. But when he called me, it seemed to offer support, I fell into a game I didn't know I was playing. I got there, and should have followed my instincts directly, something with him wasn't right. He picked on me little by little throughout the evening, saying things he knows upset me and bringing up subjects he knows hurt me to talk about. When I look back, the whole thing seems almost calculated, but I'd really rather not think about that. Somehow, he ended up crossing a line, and I ended up angry enough to say I was leaving. He told me that he was sick of me leaving all the time, that he was sick of our arguments. Glibly I said "Maybe we shouldn't see each other any more then." That did it. It was like he was waiting for it... "Leave your key then." And with that I slipped the little bronze key that for the past nine months has represented the fact that we trust each other with everything, even if we're not getting along, off my keyring and walked out. All along he's expected me to walk out on him. Over and over he's told me how he can't trust women, because they cheat, and leave. So because I love him I've tried to show him that I won't leave him, that he can be obnoxious, and hard to get along with, that times can get really difficult, but that I won't leave. Enough. I didn't even cry it hurt so much. Not til later anyway.
"..and it hurts to want everything
and nothing at the same time
I want yours, and I want what's mine
I want you,
but I'm not giving in this time."
-Michelle Branch "Goodbye to You"
Mama called me to tell me that The Ex has moved to the city with the Incredible Skank-Ho that he cheated on me with. Its nice that they're still together isn't it? Here's the weird thing (apparently) after all those months of him ruining my life in any way conceivable, I was a little angry that he was moving here. All I got from anyone was "Why are you mad?" and "Don't waste your energy on him" (Except for BQ who said "Why NOT be mad? Just don't STAY mad." Good answer). Really? Why shouldn't I be angry with someone who made my life a living hell, just because he could? I MOVED HERE to get away from him, to have enough time without running into him that I became totally self-destructive. Yes, there were other reasons for the move, but those reasons all stem out of one core reason. The things that happened after my rape, the months of abuse, the name-calling, those are the things that are driving my real "issues" now. So yup, I had time to take ten minutes out of my day and be fuckin' pissed that he can move on with his life and I have to keep dealing with all the shit he gave me, and that he gets to do it here in my new place, not ten minutes from me, with her. She's a real prize too, it wasn't enough that she was helping him cheat on me, she had to call enough times to where I had to get my number changed, just to rub it in. They deserve each other, that kind of malicious behavior can only be rewarded with more malicious behavior. Anyway, I'm venting here...
Finally, yesterday I just decided that enough was enough, and when D called me to see if I wanted to hang out, I said yes. I thought out of anyone, in the whole world he would understand how I was feeling. I couldn't have been more wrong. I haven't written much about the things that have gone on with us lately, its been a slippery slope, up one way then back down another. He's been pretty stressed out by school, so I've been kind of staying out of his way. But when he called me, it seemed to offer support, I fell into a game I didn't know I was playing. I got there, and should have followed my instincts directly, something with him wasn't right. He picked on me little by little throughout the evening, saying things he knows upset me and bringing up subjects he knows hurt me to talk about. When I look back, the whole thing seems almost calculated, but I'd really rather not think about that. Somehow, he ended up crossing a line, and I ended up angry enough to say I was leaving. He told me that he was sick of me leaving all the time, that he was sick of our arguments. Glibly I said "Maybe we shouldn't see each other any more then." That did it. It was like he was waiting for it... "Leave your key then." And with that I slipped the little bronze key that for the past nine months has represented the fact that we trust each other with everything, even if we're not getting along, off my keyring and walked out. All along he's expected me to walk out on him. Over and over he's told me how he can't trust women, because they cheat, and leave. So because I love him I've tried to show him that I won't leave him, that he can be obnoxious, and hard to get along with, that times can get really difficult, but that I won't leave. Enough. I didn't even cry it hurt so much. Not til later anyway.
"..and it hurts to want everything
and nothing at the same time
I want yours, and I want what's mine
I want you,
but I'm not giving in this time."
-Michelle Branch "Goodbye to You"
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