I've been screwing around with Picasa, sorting through pictures, thought I'd share a couple... I hate it that they make you have captions.
D and I aren't speaking to each other for a few days. We had this stupid argument. I said I needed some time to cool off. The trouble with the time to cool off is that I always wish I hadn't asked for it. I usually cool off as quickly as I get mad.
The time to cool off is for him.
I read back through my archives last night for a really long time. I vent here a lot about what's gone on with me and D. This is the place I go so that I can see what's inside my head. The doctors always say to keep a journal about all the things that are in there, so that they can come out, in a productive way.
I keep not wanting to write because I hate it when you guys say I'm thinking too much. The thing is, that's me, that's who I've always been. Somebody who thinks a lot, about a lot of things (remember the Zoobooks convo, BQ?). I always feel bad when admonished for "overthinking" as if thinking about situations means I'm not actually living.
Sometimes that is what it means. For a while I tried something different, I didn't think about much in the way of personal relationships. I kind of went with things. I "really lived"... I hated it. Because it scared me. It still does. In fact, I don't think about that time very much at all. Even though I was probably "cooler" then, I don't mind.
The things I know about myself, I know because I've thought about them a lot. Every day in school I do better, because I have the ability to think about things for a really long time. I'm not trying to change that part of myself. I have such a propensity to feel guilty about what other people tell me I'm doing wrong. What's really interesting about that, is that nobody can ever know me as well as I know me.
I KNOW that I am doing my best.
I don't have anyone else to be responsible for. That's good. I only have to be responsible for myself. Part of really being responsible for myself is figuring myself out. People always say that high school and college are the "best days of your life"... Bullshit. The best days of your life aren't about being young, they're about feeling good. I don't feel good. It isn't because I'm overthinking things. It's because I don't feel good. I don't want to wait 'til I'm forty-five to figure out what was wrong in my twenties, what was wrong before that, that makes me so unhappy now.
I want happiness just as much as anybody else. But I know that the mistakes I make with men, and with myself are ones that repeat. I don't want to be in a relationship with someone like my dad over and over. I want to work it out. I don't want to feel so guilty about everything that goes wrong that I can't control. I want to work it out. These things have been problems with me for my entire twenty-two years. I want to work it out. To work it out I've got to think about it.
I have obligations, to school, to my family, to myself that need to be fulfilled. The big unknown is what will happen once college is finally over. I will leave here, and it will be beautiful. When I go I won't leave behind baggage that will have to be retrieved later. When I move on from this place I mean to move on. So that coming back will only be encountering shades of memories.
I'm not looking for the easiest road. I've always known that really good things require hard work. I've always been willing to do it. The hard work that I've done to come back from where I was in May two years ago was hard. I've struggled through it and I'm so much better. Infinitely better. I thought, and fought through a lot of difficult places. But this isn't good enough, I need a little more before my mind can relax. I'm not going to stop thinking about ways to get there 'til then.
D and I aren't speaking to each other for a few days. We had this stupid argument. I said I needed some time to cool off. The trouble with the time to cool off is that I always wish I hadn't asked for it. I usually cool off as quickly as I get mad.
The time to cool off is for him.
I read back through my archives last night for a really long time. I vent here a lot about what's gone on with me and D. This is the place I go so that I can see what's inside my head. The doctors always say to keep a journal about all the things that are in there, so that they can come out, in a productive way.
I keep not wanting to write because I hate it when you guys say I'm thinking too much. The thing is, that's me, that's who I've always been. Somebody who thinks a lot, about a lot of things (remember the Zoobooks convo, BQ?). I always feel bad when admonished for "overthinking" as if thinking about situations means I'm not actually living.
Sometimes that is what it means. For a while I tried something different, I didn't think about much in the way of personal relationships. I kind of went with things. I "really lived"... I hated it. Because it scared me. It still does. In fact, I don't think about that time very much at all. Even though I was probably "cooler" then, I don't mind.
The things I know about myself, I know because I've thought about them a lot. Every day in school I do better, because I have the ability to think about things for a really long time. I'm not trying to change that part of myself. I have such a propensity to feel guilty about what other people tell me I'm doing wrong. What's really interesting about that, is that nobody can ever know me as well as I know me.
I KNOW that I am doing my best.
I don't have anyone else to be responsible for. That's good. I only have to be responsible for myself. Part of really being responsible for myself is figuring myself out. People always say that high school and college are the "best days of your life"... Bullshit. The best days of your life aren't about being young, they're about feeling good. I don't feel good. It isn't because I'm overthinking things. It's because I don't feel good. I don't want to wait 'til I'm forty-five to figure out what was wrong in my twenties, what was wrong before that, that makes me so unhappy now.
I want happiness just as much as anybody else. But I know that the mistakes I make with men, and with myself are ones that repeat. I don't want to be in a relationship with someone like my dad over and over. I want to work it out. I don't want to feel so guilty about everything that goes wrong that I can't control. I want to work it out. These things have been problems with me for my entire twenty-two years. I want to work it out. To work it out I've got to think about it.
I have obligations, to school, to my family, to myself that need to be fulfilled. The big unknown is what will happen once college is finally over. I will leave here, and it will be beautiful. When I go I won't leave behind baggage that will have to be retrieved later. When I move on from this place I mean to move on. So that coming back will only be encountering shades of memories.
I'm not looking for the easiest road. I've always known that really good things require hard work. I've always been willing to do it. The hard work that I've done to come back from where I was in May two years ago was hard. I've struggled through it and I'm so much better. Infinitely better. I thought, and fought through a lot of difficult places. But this isn't good enough, I need a little more before my mind can relax. I'm not going to stop thinking about ways to get there 'til then.
4 Comments:
The unexamined life is not worth living, said Socrates, and I think that's often a fair point to make.
Don't worry about thinking 'too much'. It's probably not even possible...
Fran-you can think too much,
it's called 'worrying'.
Etoile-loved your cat pics,
if I ever get a scanner
I'll post some of my
dog (Ruby-AKA Stupidog)
Oh well and so to work...
Worrying isn't thinking too much. Maybe obsessing is.
Worrying can be completely different from thinking, like a nauseous pit you wake up with and that remains there until you deal with it.
Thinking is ok. Choosing what to do about things and deciding if you maybe should do things differently than before. Its when people start analysing things to the point of confusion. Thats the bad thinking. Sending yourself into a spin of not knowing what the hell to do, or should I have done this, what if I did that etc.. thats when you just need to write it off as experience and relax. I think there will be an English/American divide on this - the brits tend to have a 'fuck it' attitude but the Americans analyse, drag up the past and try to find where it all went wrong too often. I dont think you need to know where you came from to know where youre going. As for emptying your head in your blog - its good therapy...keep it up.
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