I just got off the phone with D. We talked for over two hours after he got off of work. He's stressing out about school again, I don't blame him. He goes to school at one of the hardest engineering schools in the country, and things haven't been going so well for the past year. D is one of the smartest people I've ever known, it hurts to see him struggle, especially when it seems so needless.

He was diagnosed with ADHD over eight months ago, but his insurance won't cover ANY of the meds. Of course, to buy them outright would cost half the price of his rent every month, and he's already working more hours than he should be. I wish there was something I could do to help him, there just isn't, short of winning the lottery... Note to self: buy lotto ticket.

What I've noticed through all of this is his willingness to keep trying, to keep working to find another solution. His drive to work hard at something he wants is kind of amazing. There are so few people in the world who are willing to work at things. Most people just want things to come to them easily, or they give up, they aren't willing to make their lives any better, because that would take work.

I've always known about his capacity to work hard at something, to pursue it 'til things got better. I always wished that he'd apply that to us, just once in a while to set things right again. I'd all but given up hope that would ever happen. When our relationship took a more casual turn, I was a little relieved, now nobody had to be working at things, maybe we could both relax. At one point I wondered if I was even still in love with him, I just felt so tired of doing all the work.

Instead of trying to make things better, or just end things, I took the less dramatic route. I just stayed in one place. We had our big fight, we broke up, then we talked. Sometimes that's the way big fights go. Instead of getting back together, we stayed "apart"... I've been spending a lot of time since then figuring out stuff about myself, the stuff I like...

I read the some of the books I loved as a kid, it's cool to see I still love them. I'm working my way through the Wrinkle in Time series right now, they're strangely inspirational. My plan is to read all of The Chronicles of Narnia again. For some reason that's been really important to me. I moved all this new furniture into my place, and so it's got a new spin on it that I really appreciate. I bought a bunch of new CDs and liked The Killers and Joss Stone, wasn't real impressed with Gwen Stefani. I've been working out, and eating right, and I've lost fifteen pounds in the past two months, I'm pretty happy about that. I read this great article on MSN today about losing the Audrey Hepburn ideal, and replacing it with Sophia Loren. Then I tried on this new dress that I bought and realized that I've got a great rack... Which I've always known, but there are a bunch of other things that are great about the way I look right now too. I'll still keep trying to lose weight, but I look pretty fabulous as is. I got into an enormous fight with Mama, the likes of which haven't been seen for over a year, and we made it out ok. During that time, I realized that my Daddy isn't quite the smuchk I thought he was, he's a great friend, and we really are a lot alike. I'm a blend of my parents, and that's ok, my parents are pretty great people. I watched About a Boy, and am willing to admit that I'm fond of Hugh Grant. I went and saw Kingdom of Heaven, and am willing to admit that I believe in God, but will never be a Christian, or a Muslim, or a Jew. I'll never be anything that has a fundamental sect, it's far too dangerous (remember the "fundamental Buddhist" conversation BQ?). I now spend at least an hour a week in the public library, you'd be amazed how many hot guys hang out there.

I'm not really too interested in any of them.

Sometime in the last few weeks, while I began to try to make a "me"... D figured it all out. While I won't jump to any happy conclusions just yet, things seem better with him and me. Last night we were having sex and right after while I rested my head on his chest it just slipped out. I murmured "I love you" which is not something we've been in the habit of telling each other lately. I started to cringe inwardly and shut my eyes tight. "I love you" he said back with conviction. I was so surprised that I shot up and said "Really?" Which made him laugh. He grabbed me, hugged me tightly, and said "Silly girl, I've always loved you, it's always been you." We hold hands, we go out, we laugh, and now we talk on the phone at least once a day. All things that normal couples should be doing. Which is what I've wanted for so long. I'm not getting too caught up.

I'm just happy to see things falling into place in my life. After my grades come in I'm going to talk to the Director of Graduate Affairs, who was one of my professors this semester about grad school, it's time to jump that hurdle... It's time to see if I can get in. My life needs to continue to move forward. Which it will, with or without D.

However, we did choose meals for a wedding at the end of the summer. I chose the sauteed chicken, he's getting the pork chop. We plan to share. There will be dancing, and a hotel. It would be nice if that trip actually happens.