The sun would stream through the trees in the back yard. We lived in a forest. Each lot was carved out of land where trees once stood together, quietly looming. Our house seems perfect in my mind's eye, and I still remember where we kept the glasses in the kitchen. I wasn't happy then either. Even though I was just a little girl, I wasn't happy. I don't remember ever being happy. It isn't even an issue anymore. I'm not sure I believe in happiness for myself anymore. I'd just like to feel as if I weren't slipping all the time.

I felt myself lose control the other day. I wasn't angry or even annoyed, to begin with. There is a girl in one of my classes who is a year younger than me but is already in grad school. She made a comment about taking more than four years to graduate being pathetic, and I lost control. In my head. I couldn't ignore her, as I felt myself about to say something, I was saved by our professor starting class. I sat there fuming for the next hour though. My notes for last Wednesday are completely blank.

My dreams have turned strange and violent again. There are teeth, so many teeth and claws now.

I need the times I take to get away. I need the moments when I'm alone. I can never be alone with D around. If I go into the bedroom and close the door, I can still feel him outside. I feel so sorry for him, I know I'm a pain to live with.

We've been arguing, but no more than usual. "There's water on the bathroom floor again... Why can't you stand on the mat to dry off" "Why do I have to do everything YOUR way?" WHY? WHY? Because mold grows in the cracks of the tile, that I end up cleaning. That's why. Why do you ask such moronic questions. "You don't have to do everything my way, I'd just love it if I didn't get my socks wet all the time, y'know?"

It all moves so fast. One day bleeds into another, and I never fully finish anything I start. I feel as if I've moving through tension all the time. I think it's going around. I feel the strangeness of Winter lurking behind Autumn in everyone's voice. The light is getting dimmer, more golden. D doesn't notice it. He thinks the light looks the same in the Fall as it did in the Summer. I disagree. I think it looks different.

I'm not sure how to prioritize everything. So some days I do nothing. Then there are other days when I simply move through it all like a great machine. Suddenly, half of everything on my list is done, and I'm not sure how it all happened.

I woke up this morning and his hand touched my face. He rubbed his fingers in my hair and hugged me. His body was warm when he pulled me close to him, and he smelled like clean laundry, soft sheets and boy. We were still half asleep and he whispered "I love you" and the puddles on the bathroom tile were obsolete. I fell back asleep on his shoulder, not wanting to leave those warm, sleepy moments where nothing was expected of me.