I didn't know it would feel this way.

I didn't know that it would make everything so amplified.

I miss my dad. I miss my grandparents. But more than anything I feel alone. I know I could go to my mom's. It's almost like I can't handle her grief right now. It's selfish, but she's always been the strong one, and I can't be strong right now for her. So I go out with my friends. I pretend. But I miss D. I wish he was here. I feel like a lost little girl without anyone to turn to.

I know this will characteristically "make me stronger"... Everything does. As in the past I say "I'm strong enough... Give me some damn peace." That's all I really want. Peace, would it be so hard?

I come home to this empty apartment and I wish that all the people I love wouldn't have gone away. I want to crawl into someone's arms and feel safe, and there is no one to crawl to. I am alone.

Now, I suppose, is the time to grow up. It is the time to stop wishing for someone to keep me safe. There is no one. There is only me. I guess I should have known that all along. I must love myself, and keep myself safe, it is no one's job but my own.

What a hard lesson to learn.

In some ways I'm glad D left. While it makes this harder right now, it makes later easier. To see that I can do this on my own will be such an eye opener. I've done so many things I thought I couldn't, this is just one more...

What on earth will happen next?

I wonder and I wonder, but as each day passes something new emerges. Something I never thought could happen, I become an adult. So scary.