This is the first time I've ever flown without a net.

I mean that when things start to go shitty with a guy I usually pick up another one to cushion the blow. Mostly, I haven't had the opportunity lately. But whilst drunk off my lovely ass the other night I started flirting, no disgustingly hitting on, the first guy I'd found attractive (other than D) in months. Maybe it's because he isn't here. Since it happened I've been feeling sick in my stomach about it. Not because I was doing anything SO wrong, mostly I was just drunk, but because I know what I was doing. I was trying to form a net.

It's an ugly thing to be faced with one of your flaws so directly. Sometimes the guilt of it causes you to realize other flaws. In this case I have. I have some ridiculously high expectations of people, especially boyfriends. In every relationship I've ever had I've ruined almost every birthday, Valentine's Day, anniversary and various other holidays because of these expectations. I have a sick idea of perfect that for some reason I've been adhering to, and I'm not really sure why.

It occurred to me tonight that a good portion of the fights D and I have been having for the last year are A) about these high expectations, B) completely started by me and C) may have been keeping me from being really happy. Why would I DO that?

Also, Christopher Noth hasn't aged particularly well. He looks a little haggard as of late. I think I'll go smoke a ciggie, I only have two left and I'm starving. I should have gone to bed hours ago, that way I wouldn't have had to have any of these pesky self-realizations.