This morning he had to get up really early. He woke me up with his millions of alarms. I don't suppose I'll ever really get used to that. I just get up when it's time to get up. So I tried to close my eyes but couldn't fall back asleep. He finally got up, I heard him in the bathroom, getting ready. Slowly I started to doze off. He sneaked back into bed and wrapped his arms around me. He whispered "You set the clock ten minutes fast." I smiled. He hugged me tighter, "That's enough time to snuggle." He pulled my hair away from my ears and kissed me. He's so sweet.

As a side note: Peter Pan is a sexist, racist movie. Children shouldn't be allowed to watch it. I'm sort of appalled.

We did get away for a few days (me and D) and it was really nice. We were gone for almost four days, camping in the mountains, which turned out to be just what we needed. We didn't argue, bicker or have as much as a nasty word to say to each other for days. That doesn't mean things didn't go wrong, we each had sick tummies, there were a billion mosquitoes and bugs and it was freezing at night. Neither one of us got more than 5 hours sleep any night we were there. But there was nary a cross word between us.

However, as soon as we got home a fight broke out. It's like the pressure of all the crap in the past week or so was successfully put aside for a few days, but came crashing back at us as soon as we hit our own county. We're getting along fine again now, having attributed our spat to being cranky and tired in the car. I'm still a little worried about what's going to happen in the next weeks. I have a lot to do to take care of myself before schools starts.

I think that the main thing for me to do for the rest of the summer is completely focus on myself. I say I'm going to do this all the time, but then I let things get in the way and I don't get the right things done to help myself. I might serve the people in my life that I love the most better if I give some time to myself first.

Mostly, I think I'm going to lose my mind.

I asked Friend and Brother to give me some space for a few days. Brother wasn't supposed to come over at all, and D was supposed to stay away from him for a couple days.

I walked out of the bathroom this afternoon into my living room, only to find him on my back porch. I swear I almost threw up out of anxiety. I simply turned back around went into my bedroom, closed the door and sat on the bed. I had asked for some space, just until after my birthday. Being on my back porch isn't space.

I'm a very, very forgiving person. Sometimes I forgive too easily. But I just needed some room to breathe right now, especially from Brother. So I picked up a book and a laptop and threw them in a bag. I started to walk out of the house. D came back into the living room and stopped me saying, "Where are you going?" I just glared at him and said "We made a deal."

The deal was that Brother leave me alone until after my birthday. Apparently, he wanted to apologize to me, D says he's anxious to do so. I'm just not ready to talk and be nice right now. I don't even know why he wants to apologize to me. At this point I don't even know what the point is. "Sorry" is just a word and the damage has been done.

I'm just tired of the concept that whatever Brother does he'll be completely forgiven and that I should just sit and keep my mouth shut. It just makes me the bad guy all the time. I'm tired of being the bad guy. I think I'm a pretty good girlfriend, friend and sister. I wish people would stop treating me like the frowning bitchface.

This entire drama makes me want to dig a hole and pull all the dirt in behind me, walk away and not look back, totally disappear... I want to not look at any of these people for months. All I want is some space. I'm trying hard not to be mean, but I'm starting to feel pretty pushed around.

Believe me, nobody wants to see me get mean.