At breakfast this morning:

Me: "We need to talk about something pretty important."

E: "Ok, what?"

Me: "How I feel about having kids, I'm not changing my mind E."

E: "I just meant that maybe you'd want to adopt."

Me: "Think about it... Do you really think an adoption agency is going to give me a kid with my medical history? I mean, I haven't been hospitalized as of yet, but what if I have by then? I don't think they give babies to people with serious mental illnesses. I mean I guess I could be wrong... But..."

E: "Fine. Let's not talk about this. Its depressing."

Me: "I think we HAVE to talk about it, I mean, if you want to be together, isn't that sort of assuming that eventually someday we'll have a life together, be married?"

E: "Yes. You're young, why is this important NOW?"

Me: (tears in my eyes, struggling not to cry.) "Because E, I don't want to get back together, fall in love again, only to have you tell me later that you want to have kids. I'm not going to live my life feeling defective. We've talked about this so many times, I want them, I just can't see any safe, feasible way to have them, for me, anyways."

E: "Baby, please don't cry........ Oh baby."

Me: (Looking at eggs benedict, crying a little.)

E: "Etoile, look at me, Etoile, please. We'll figure this all out. We have time."

I disagree. I don't think we have time. I have spent enough time trying to make it work with this guy. Too much time. I was willing to give it another shot, too. I love him that much. But this is just the last straw. If he suddenly (after three years of saying the opposite) thinks that he needs to have kids, then maybe he needs to find someone else. I really didn't think things were going to end this way. I don't know... I'm at a loss.