D and I are leaving on Monday for the Grand Canyon. I am in serious need of some Spring Break. I have been nasty, bad-tempered, and an all-around grouch. I'm blogging from my mom and dad's house right now. I came back here to get my oil changed and pick up a couple of things I might need for the trip (luggage, cooler, other essential road-trippy things that don't fit into the storage space at home). I've been a pain-in-the-ass all day and I'm not sure why I'm being so rude to my parents, they certainly haven't done anything wrong. When I finish this I'm going to go be nice to them. I think I'm sick of school. The last week left me weak and burnt out, it took a lot of emotion out of me too. I think also that I'm concerned about this whole trip with D. The last time we took a trip together it was to visit his parents for ten days. All that happened was a lot of sneaky sex, and I got extra confused by the hand-holding sweetness that surrounded us. Then BOOM as soon as we hit our own state line, it was like it had all been a really good dream and it was suddenly, abruptly over. I guess I just don't want this to happen again, I'm a little worried that I might slip back into confusion about this issue again. Which would be bad.
I haven't talked about what's going on with E for a while now. That's because its so close to me that I'm afraid to talk about it. To sum things up in a timely fashion, he is coming back here in August. This scares the ever livin' crap out of me. If he comes back here then I have to deal with the very strange triangle between him, D and me, that I've so stupidly created over the last year. Perhaps its good that he isn't going to Ireland after all. I mean, this forces me to deal with things, instead of just putzing along like I have been. He's visiting me on the 27th of this month, so some light should be shed on the subject then. For those who don't know: E and I got together my freshman year, right after my abusive relationship with THE EX ended (more on that another day)... Anyway we were splendidly happy for about nine months, then when I was misdiagnosed with depression and prescribed Prozac my Sophomore year in college things sort of went to shit. We really stuck by each other though, until the beginning of my Junior year, when he couldn't take my constant insanity anymore. We stayed in touch but both started seeing other people, he started seeing the Insecure Anorexic and I started seeing D. Well, we eventually got back together and broke up again, even after my correct diagnosis of bipolar I wouldn't take meds so things were shaky with me all the time. He was super-irresponsible all the time and we both were doing some things we should have stayed faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar away from. So technically, we haven't been together for a year. I think both of us really want to be together though, there's just a lot of "when this happens" and "what ifs" going on. In addition to the facts that one- I trust him as far as I could throw him (two inches) and two- I'm still figuring out this whole "friends or lovers?" issue with D. Crazy, complicated and quite ridiculous, I try to NEVER explain this to someone I just met. I just call one of them my "boyfriend" and stick with that until I know if I'm going to know the person for longer than one evening. However, you now know the story, which I believe might be important, if you're interested, so there. The bottom line is he (E) is coming back and I'm worried, worried, worried. Decision time is looming and if there's anything I hate to make its decisions, and berry pies, because they are frustrating and the filling always turns out like soup, but that's something entirely different. Decisions, I hate decisions. I hate this decision most of all, soon I have to choose between the two men I love and adore most in the world and if I let one go, I'll probably never talk to him again, and that breaks my heart. I'm tearing my hair out (not literally this highlight is perfect, and expensive) I'm just ready for some peace. Perhaps I should learn to meditate. Ohm. Sending good vibrations your way.
I haven't talked about what's going on with E for a while now. That's because its so close to me that I'm afraid to talk about it. To sum things up in a timely fashion, he is coming back here in August. This scares the ever livin' crap out of me. If he comes back here then I have to deal with the very strange triangle between him, D and me, that I've so stupidly created over the last year. Perhaps its good that he isn't going to Ireland after all. I mean, this forces me to deal with things, instead of just putzing along like I have been. He's visiting me on the 27th of this month, so some light should be shed on the subject then. For those who don't know: E and I got together my freshman year, right after my abusive relationship with THE EX ended (more on that another day)... Anyway we were splendidly happy for about nine months, then when I was misdiagnosed with depression and prescribed Prozac my Sophomore year in college things sort of went to shit. We really stuck by each other though, until the beginning of my Junior year, when he couldn't take my constant insanity anymore. We stayed in touch but both started seeing other people, he started seeing the Insecure Anorexic and I started seeing D. Well, we eventually got back together and broke up again, even after my correct diagnosis of bipolar I wouldn't take meds so things were shaky with me all the time. He was super-irresponsible all the time and we both were doing some things we should have stayed faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar away from. So technically, we haven't been together for a year. I think both of us really want to be together though, there's just a lot of "when this happens" and "what ifs" going on. In addition to the facts that one- I trust him as far as I could throw him (two inches) and two- I'm still figuring out this whole "friends or lovers?" issue with D. Crazy, complicated and quite ridiculous, I try to NEVER explain this to someone I just met. I just call one of them my "boyfriend" and stick with that until I know if I'm going to know the person for longer than one evening. However, you now know the story, which I believe might be important, if you're interested, so there. The bottom line is he (E) is coming back and I'm worried, worried, worried. Decision time is looming and if there's anything I hate to make its decisions, and berry pies, because they are frustrating and the filling always turns out like soup, but that's something entirely different. Decisions, I hate decisions. I hate this decision most of all, soon I have to choose between the two men I love and adore most in the world and if I let one go, I'll probably never talk to him again, and that breaks my heart. I'm tearing my hair out (not literally this highlight is perfect, and expensive) I'm just ready for some peace. Perhaps I should learn to meditate. Ohm. Sending good vibrations your way.
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