I made reservations tonight for D and I to have dinner Thursday night at a very posh restaurant downtown. We have a coupon... Anyway, I stood in front of my closet for an hour or so trying to decide what to wear. This becomes difficult when I discover the perfect outfit, only to find that the high on Thursday will be 50 degrees, and my "perfect outfit" consists only of a strappy linen dress. I do the only thing I can do at this point.

I call my mama.

I'm trying to take less money from my parents. I'm ok with them supporting me for now. Its just that I hate feeling like I'm controlled by them, so I want to take less money from them for frivolous things. So when Mama asks if I want to buy something new we get into a fight.

I start to get really angry after we get off the phone, about why I don't have a damn thing in my closet that I can wear. I have more clothes than anyone I know and I can't seem to find anything right for the occasion. Suddenly everything I own looks cheap and shabby.

Mama calls me back. She's talking about how sorry she is that I'm feeling so badly about things. I've freaked out over clothes for my entire life, so she's pretty used to this behavior. Usually it only lasts for a few minutes though. Most of my clothing issues are solved when she points out that I have something perfect to wear. She's an angel. But I'm continuing to freak out at least an hour after my initial fit.

"Honey," she says "Why are you so upset? You have so many pretty things to wear, I know you wanted to wear the dress but... Well we can go shopping tomorrow if you want."

I reply: "No, no. I shouldn't be depending on you guys for so much. It isn't right."

"Sweetie, Daddy and I don't mind. I'll go shopping with you. Unless this is about something else..."

A long pause takes place. Of course I'm not mad about something else, what is this woman talking about? Is she really my mother? As if there could be anything else wrong besides the fact that ALL MY CLOTHES ARE HIDEOUSLY UGLY!!!!!! If there was another issue for God's sake I'd know it wouldn't I? WOULDN'T I? Umm.. I would... Right?

I gasp. I literally have my hand clasped over my mouth. Shocked I sit down on the bed. There is silence, both in my bedroom and over the phone line.

"Etoile. Does this have something to do with D?"

I nod, forgetting she's on the phone, not in the room.

"I thought so." How does she always know?

"I guess I just think that if I wear something perfect..."

"Etoile, Honey, oh Sweetie. You know it won't make any difference."

"I know."

"We'll go shopping tomorrow. You call me when you get up."

I nod again. Then stammer; "Oh-ok Mama, thank you. I love you."

"I love you too Etoile. We're going to have lunch and talk about all this."

That's my mama. Always making the best out of my ridiculous life choices. She's not buying me off. She just knows that the more confident I feel, the better decisions I'll make. She's a wonderful person, and she knows me better than anyone. I love her deeply.



And by the way... Don't eat eggs at midnight. I feel as if I'm going to throw up.