A year ago tonight I was drinking with E. We got into a huge fight. I drove home very drunk. I took over half a bottle of mood stabilizers, what was left of a bottle of Tylenol PM and attempted to slit my wrists.

I told a few people this, earlier in the week. Mentioned that I might need some support today. Apparently nobody remembered. Or maybe they just thought I'd rather be alone.

Its funny, last night I went out with A for a drink, and she and I were talking about what friendship really is. She said: "You really find out who your friends are when you're sick, you know, whether its a bad cold, or whatever, its the people who lift you up when you're really down that are your real friends."

Its not that I'm mad really, I know I could call them, tell them why I'm upset, they'd all be great. Its that I wanted them to have remembered. I didn't want to have to say "Hey guys, I did this really shameful thing last year on this day, could somebody come over and eat ice cream with me, and tell me how much better I'm doing now?" Its hard to say the word "suicide" or "I tried to kill myself" its not something I'm proud of. In fact I'm acutely aware that I fucked up. I'm terrified by it, that I slipped that far. I wanted someone to acknowledge that I'm doing better now, to realize that this is the hardest anniversary for this... Next year it won't be so bad, I'm sure things will be going a lot better by then. Right now its just that success, as limited as it has been, is pretty new to me. I suppose I was just looking for some reassurance.

Perhaps the place to be looking for it is within, not from anyone else. I just haven't had much experience with trusting what's inside me.