The moving...
Is going.
I've spent a few nights in the new place and the central air is fabulous. The only thing left over here (the old place) is the desk, and the few things in BQ's room she's coming to retrieve later this week. It is a skeleton of a life that is passing. When E comes to get this desk Wednesday night it will be over. The time for he and I will be over. It is strange to see it in print. In black and white. Yet there it is. It doesn't hurt quite as much as I thought it might. The "giving back of the things" ritual doesn't 't feel as weird with him as I thought it was going to, it almost feels natural. Like this is the right thing to do. This is the next step. My life has totally changed.
A and I were talking the other night about people we've "known forever" and how that's becoming a strange concept as we grow farther into our twenties. There are these people we've known for so long, and experienced so much with, yet when it comes down to it, we don't know them at all, and they don't really know us. In some ways that's what has happened with E too. We didn't grow together. He really has no concept of who I am, even though he saw me through every day of the hardest times of my life. He just missed the last year, the year when I got better. The year when I became a different person than I've ever been before. And he's still treating me like I'm sick. It occurred to me today that I'm not sick anymore, and even though I'm farther behind in school than some of my "peers" I'm not particularly troubled by it anymore. I sat next to D on my new balcony yesterday afternoon, both of us tired from fencing it in so the cats won't launch themselves off the fifth floor to their deaths, and we just smiled at each other. As he went inside to make us lunch we chatted through the kitchen window about his Calculus test and I thought about how he's 25, and he's just starting out with this whole school thing. And how everyone I go to school with now is at varying ages and points in their education. There's a damn good reason why I'm "behind" I don't feel bad. I don't feel particularly bad about my shitty GPA, because I know that it doesn't reflect my intelligence in any way....
I refuse to feel bad about myself anymore because I went through a difficult time. I refuse to feel guilty because there are people that I hurt during that time. I HAVE APOLOGIZED. To some more than others, but truly, once should have been enough. I won't feel guilty because of something that went wrong with my brain chemistry. I took responsibility for my actions a long time ago and made attempts to fix things with people when I could. There are people who have left my life permanently, without explanation, or apology. There are people who have blatantly ignored my attempts to at least reach peace. There are those who have come back then left again. There are people who have stayed on the sidelines. There are people who have stayed and been involved. There are the incredible few who have been my lifelines when death was on my door. To all of these people I am grateful, because I learned something from each one about life, and who to put my trust into when the going really gets rough. But this is the end of the line with the guilt, I won't feel badly anymore for my part in relationships where people don't carry their own weight. It isn't my job to take care of anyone but myself.
Is going.
I've spent a few nights in the new place and the central air is fabulous. The only thing left over here (the old place) is the desk, and the few things in BQ's room she's coming to retrieve later this week. It is a skeleton of a life that is passing. When E comes to get this desk Wednesday night it will be over. The time for he and I will be over. It is strange to see it in print. In black and white. Yet there it is. It doesn't hurt quite as much as I thought it might. The "giving back of the things" ritual doesn't 't feel as weird with him as I thought it was going to, it almost feels natural. Like this is the right thing to do. This is the next step. My life has totally changed.
A and I were talking the other night about people we've "known forever" and how that's becoming a strange concept as we grow farther into our twenties. There are these people we've known for so long, and experienced so much with, yet when it comes down to it, we don't know them at all, and they don't really know us. In some ways that's what has happened with E too. We didn't grow together. He really has no concept of who I am, even though he saw me through every day of the hardest times of my life. He just missed the last year, the year when I got better. The year when I became a different person than I've ever been before. And he's still treating me like I'm sick. It occurred to me today that I'm not sick anymore, and even though I'm farther behind in school than some of my "peers" I'm not particularly troubled by it anymore. I sat next to D on my new balcony yesterday afternoon, both of us tired from fencing it in so the cats won't launch themselves off the fifth floor to their deaths, and we just smiled at each other. As he went inside to make us lunch we chatted through the kitchen window about his Calculus test and I thought about how he's 25, and he's just starting out with this whole school thing. And how everyone I go to school with now is at varying ages and points in their education. There's a damn good reason why I'm "behind" I don't feel bad. I don't feel particularly bad about my shitty GPA, because I know that it doesn't reflect my intelligence in any way....
I refuse to feel bad about myself anymore because I went through a difficult time. I refuse to feel guilty because there are people that I hurt during that time. I HAVE APOLOGIZED. To some more than others, but truly, once should have been enough. I won't feel guilty because of something that went wrong with my brain chemistry. I took responsibility for my actions a long time ago and made attempts to fix things with people when I could. There are people who have left my life permanently, without explanation, or apology. There are people who have blatantly ignored my attempts to at least reach peace. There are those who have come back then left again. There are people who have stayed on the sidelines. There are people who have stayed and been involved. There are the incredible few who have been my lifelines when death was on my door. To all of these people I am grateful, because I learned something from each one about life, and who to put my trust into when the going really gets rough. But this is the end of the line with the guilt, I won't feel badly anymore for my part in relationships where people don't carry their own weight. It isn't my job to take care of anyone but myself.
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