I want to throw a tantrum like a four year old. I want to lie on the floor and cry and kick until I am worn out and my face is swollen and red. I want to scream in his face and shake him. I want to slap him so hard he staggers. I want to get in my car and drive til I run out of gas, then run til I have no energy. Just to get as far away from here, and him as I can. I have regressed back to anger with D. This beautiful, perfect day just makes me want to kill him. I want to rip his skin from his muscle and his muscle from his bone for hurting me again. I want to break bones in his body just to hear them break.

But it isn't him I'm truly angry with. I think that it must really be myself. I'm so angry with myself for letting him get so close to me that it could hurt me so much. I hate it that I see this perfect October day and all I can think of is our drives to the mountains and our walks outside, and the false hope that somehow those perfect moments would string together to make a happy life for me someday. That I could feel so fulfilled and content with someone, so safe and loved inside a few precious moments, I was willing to overlook all the other mistakes that I was making, the other really clear signs that he was offering me. The fact that the man that I was in love with wasn't somebody that D was willing to be all the time. It wasn't somebody that he could be all the time. The man I was in love with has disappeared inside a cold, mean, dangerous, alcoholic shell. I wasn't so foolish, I think this happens to many women, they fall in love with something that they see deep within a man, something that he pulls out, and offers to them, like a pearl, then stuffs deep within when things get real. Things got a little too real. I realize now that I've just been reacting to D for the past six months, I haven't been interacting with him. Since he "contemplated" whether or not we could have a relationship I've just been fielding what will come next. I haven't truly been a part of what was going on. That must be why things fell apart. I stopped participating. It is difficult to have any kind of relationship with somebody if you're just trying to get a reaction out of them. Especially if their reactions to you become more and more negative. I don't blame myself. I blame timing. The timing was just wrong. Things didn't start off right with us. Maybe if they'd started off a different way they'd have been different. Maybe we'd have had a different kind of relationship.

After my brief moment of emotion I'm back to not caring anymore. My therapist says that's a protective mechanism. That I am extremely good at shutting off my emotions. I sure am. It is so strange, at the start of this I wanted to explode, and now... It hurt too much... So I shut down. I think I'll go make a rice bowl, you remember how much I like rice bowls don't you?