I'm trying so hard not to pick up the phone and call him. I walk around my place, I glance at the phone and wonder how wrong it would be to just pick up the phone and call him once. I bite my fingernails and contemplate. It would be wrong for me to do it, but I want to never-the-less. I keep wondering inside my head what it is I didn't do. I'm so sick of hearing myself talk about him, to other people, and in my own head. I wish I could make him disappear from my memories. I actually had a moment today where I thought "Wow, that's funny I didn't think about D once in the last ten minutes." It doesn't matter what I do to distract myself, I keep wondering if he's ok. That is so ridiculously stupid. Of course he's ok. He's always ok. He's never sad, not because of what happens with other people anyway. He's so isolated, I could never make him see me. It makes me feel so weak to know how much I misjudged him. How I placed my trust so deeply in this man who I thought I could trust for the rest of my life. If not as my lover, or partner, as the best friend I've ever had. It all seems like lies now. All the things I thought were true about him aren't and I wonder who it was that I spent so much time with the past two years. Did we not see each other? What am I missing about everyone else? If this person that I've loved and trusted with more strength and conviction than I've ever known with any other person can turn out to be someone so different than who I thought they were can I trust myself for anything ever again? I'm having a real crisis of faith.

Damn, I need to stop TiVo-ing Dawson's Creek... I just used the phrase "crisis of faith"...