Different titles for this post could be...
"In which the sad get sadder"
Or
"I laughed so hard I cried"
Or the ever popular...
"Just when I thought things couldn't get worse...."
(I'll go with the third)
They did. Get worse that is. Somehow it is fated in the stars that this is a wretched month for me. Or perhaps I am just working all the wretched out of my system once and for all... Ohmigod... That's actually making me laugh... Out loud... In a sort of hysterical-delirious-I've-been-crying-too-much-this-month-no-this-isn't-laughing-it's-crying-way. I've had it. I've HAD IT.
DOES EVERYONE GET THAT I'VE HAD IT? THIS WOULD BE A VERY BAD TIME TO ASK ME FOR A FAVOR, OR TO BORROW A SWEATER. BECAUSE I'VE HAD IT.
Ok. I'm done yelling now. Sorry. I just had a really frustrating conversation with E on the phone. I keep trying to tell him how I'm not sure how I want things to go with us. How I'm having some trust issues right now and it isn't the best time for me to get into a relationship, and that we need to rebuild some stuff between us before we can ever even THINK of trying again. Besides the fact that now is just not the best time for me. Right now I just need a friend. It seemed like he got that (except for that minor sex lapse the other day, but that was sort of a long time coming, no pun intended).
Then tonight we started talking about all these old issues between us, the trust stuff, and how that's why I'm pulling back right now, because I just need some time to get right with myself. It turned into so much more. It turned into these deep issues about how at the heart of things he isn't totally ok with me being bipolar. That somehow I feel that he's waiting for me to get better. To just magically BE better. For it to go away. And it can't ever work like that. It makes me nervous, because there's this part of me that I can't distinguish from me and the disease, and for me that's finally starting to be ok. It's like: that's me and that's alright. But for him he's waiting for something about me to disappear. And I can't help but wonder if he doesn't realize if that part of me disappeared, if suddenly someone could suck the bipolar right out of me, I'd be deflated. Because it is a part of who I am, just like my skin, or bones. You wouldn't want to take those things away from me, I wouldn't make such a good person without them. And I wouldn't be the whole person that I am without the bipolar element of me. I don't think he sees it that way though. If he thinks I'm beautiful, truly beautiful, in all the ways that really count, I don't know it.
"In which the sad get sadder"
Or
"I laughed so hard I cried"
Or the ever popular...
"Just when I thought things couldn't get worse...."
(I'll go with the third)
They did. Get worse that is. Somehow it is fated in the stars that this is a wretched month for me. Or perhaps I am just working all the wretched out of my system once and for all... Ohmigod... That's actually making me laugh... Out loud... In a sort of hysterical-delirious-I've-been-crying-too-much-this-month-no-this-isn't-laughing-it's-crying-way. I've had it. I've HAD IT.
DOES EVERYONE GET THAT I'VE HAD IT? THIS WOULD BE A VERY BAD TIME TO ASK ME FOR A FAVOR, OR TO BORROW A SWEATER. BECAUSE I'VE HAD IT.
Ok. I'm done yelling now. Sorry. I just had a really frustrating conversation with E on the phone. I keep trying to tell him how I'm not sure how I want things to go with us. How I'm having some trust issues right now and it isn't the best time for me to get into a relationship, and that we need to rebuild some stuff between us before we can ever even THINK of trying again. Besides the fact that now is just not the best time for me. Right now I just need a friend. It seemed like he got that (except for that minor sex lapse the other day, but that was sort of a long time coming, no pun intended).
Then tonight we started talking about all these old issues between us, the trust stuff, and how that's why I'm pulling back right now, because I just need some time to get right with myself. It turned into so much more. It turned into these deep issues about how at the heart of things he isn't totally ok with me being bipolar. That somehow I feel that he's waiting for me to get better. To just magically BE better. For it to go away. And it can't ever work like that. It makes me nervous, because there's this part of me that I can't distinguish from me and the disease, and for me that's finally starting to be ok. It's like: that's me and that's alright. But for him he's waiting for something about me to disappear. And I can't help but wonder if he doesn't realize if that part of me disappeared, if suddenly someone could suck the bipolar right out of me, I'd be deflated. Because it is a part of who I am, just like my skin, or bones. You wouldn't want to take those things away from me, I wouldn't make such a good person without them. And I wouldn't be the whole person that I am without the bipolar element of me. I don't think he sees it that way though. If he thinks I'm beautiful, truly beautiful, in all the ways that really count, I don't know it.
2 Comments:
Bad time for 'mum' advice, but for godsake stop milling between these 2 same blokes who arent EVER going be what you need... They clearly dont get it.
MIghty opinionated of me I know, but I hate seeing people get taken for a ride.
Hi Etolie, hope you are feeling better. The book on my desk is The Pendragon seris. It's kinds like Harry Potter, but not quite as good,nevertheless they are fun to read. They are cheap too. Also I will take the pics you requested. Hope you have a good day.
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