Ok, I was being really negative earlier today. Sometimes the universe throws you a bone. I got some really awesome scores on tests that were really difficult, that was balm to my "stupid" wound. I felt better after that. Then I mumbled to myself crazily while I walked back to my car about the lady at the library being stupid. Don't worry, I was alone. I love school lately, it's a real self-esteem boost.
Right when I was about to lose my cool tonight D finally called. I was about to make one of those nasty phone calls, you know the ones, where you leave the terrifically vindictive message, then feel kind of bad later... He finally called. His voice sounded thin, but he was straining to be nice. I'm saying "Hey, I'm trying really hard not to be mean right now, but I've had it with this crap." Then he admits that most of the problems we're having are his fault, I couldn't really argue there, they are. Then he says "I used to deal with my self-esteem issues in a really different way, I'd fuck over the girl I was with, then sleep with as many others as I could 'til I felt better. In the long run it didn't really help. It wasn't very healthy for anyone involved." My paranoid brain is thinking; "Is he trying to tell me something?" Then he says; "I really don't want to do that now, I don't have the time or energy." I suggested that I'd like it better if he just didn't want to cheat on me. He mentioned that he thought that went without saying. He says he doesn't want to break up, but he's trying really hard to overcome his own crap. I get that, but his behavior has been atrocious lately.
It's tough to hang out with my friends that have boyfriends, I can't help feeling a little jealous that they've got good stuff going on with theirs, and I can barely get mine to talk to me sometimes. I love him though, it's hard to up and leave someone I love so much. I'm afraid it's coming down to that, and soon. I know I can do better than what he's giving me right now. I just keep hoping that things will get better once he works his personal stuff out. That seems a long way off.
I'm over the library thing, but I still need a job...
Taking a page out of ML's book, if anyone's looking for good erotica they should check out Literotica. I know I like it.
Right when I was about to lose my cool tonight D finally called. I was about to make one of those nasty phone calls, you know the ones, where you leave the terrifically vindictive message, then feel kind of bad later... He finally called. His voice sounded thin, but he was straining to be nice. I'm saying "Hey, I'm trying really hard not to be mean right now, but I've had it with this crap." Then he admits that most of the problems we're having are his fault, I couldn't really argue there, they are. Then he says "I used to deal with my self-esteem issues in a really different way, I'd fuck over the girl I was with, then sleep with as many others as I could 'til I felt better. In the long run it didn't really help. It wasn't very healthy for anyone involved." My paranoid brain is thinking; "Is he trying to tell me something?" Then he says; "I really don't want to do that now, I don't have the time or energy." I suggested that I'd like it better if he just didn't want to cheat on me. He mentioned that he thought that went without saying. He says he doesn't want to break up, but he's trying really hard to overcome his own crap. I get that, but his behavior has been atrocious lately.
It's tough to hang out with my friends that have boyfriends, I can't help feeling a little jealous that they've got good stuff going on with theirs, and I can barely get mine to talk to me sometimes. I love him though, it's hard to up and leave someone I love so much. I'm afraid it's coming down to that, and soon. I know I can do better than what he's giving me right now. I just keep hoping that things will get better once he works his personal stuff out. That seems a long way off.
I'm over the library thing, but I still need a job...
Taking a page out of ML's book, if anyone's looking for good erotica they should check out Literotica. I know I like it.
1 Comments:
In my (embarrasingly extensive) experience I think a good match with someone is effortless 90% of the time. Youre always going to have niggles, but they should be just that. Anything more youre wasting life.
Good on yer on those other tests..see you are good :-)
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