Secretly...

I'm afraid I made a huge mistake.

It's not that I don't love him. I do. I adore him past the point of reason. But I'm afraid that we may be entering a stage of sexual incompatibility. I want him to touch me, to love touching me. Because of my hideous sexual past I need to feel cherished. More and more, in bed, I feel like I'm a hole that needs quick filling.

I know that this is because I've opened myself up so much to him right now. I've made myself wholly vulnerable. I've invited him permanently into my space and now I can't get him out no matter how hard I try. So when I say; "Let's don't rush things" and he says "I don't have energy for that tonight"... I feel unwanted. I know he was up just as early as I was, and that he's put in a full, stressful day. I know that he's mad that I'm in here right now, instead of asleep in bed with him. I feel frustrated and hurt. And...

What if this is all a huge mistake?

I want to get married. So desperately, I want to marry him. It isn't that I just want to be married, I want him. I think he's so amazing. I see all the tiny nuances about him and I dote on each one. It infuriates me to hear his mother talk like his brother is smarter. He isn't. Ninety-nine percent of everything D does is beautiful to me. So when he acted scared a week and a half ago when I casually mentioned marriage, it bothered me. Because my desire to have him as my partner is so fully developed. I'm hurt.

I've tried hard not to complain about him here. I don't want to constantly bitch and make it seem like I have some sort of complex about him... He IS good for me. This adjustment is hard. I feel a little lost.

Ok.. I don't know quite where I'm going at this point... The third glass of wine was probably a mistake tonight....