I can't help it. I hate her. I love it that E and I aren't together, but I hate his girlfriend with such mean force. He's been such a cool friend to me lately, he really brightens up the days I have to be at school. The nicest thing about it is that he can really make me laugh, and lately I've really needed that. But it makes me so mad that he seems to be putting her on this pedestal that she so doesn't deserve to be on. I wish I didn't know who she was, I wish I hadn't had SO many negative experiences with this girl. I just can't imagine why he'd be with someone so snotty and mean. He's even admitted that she's elitist, and kind of snobby. She's one of those girls who is proud of not getting along with other girls. I hate that.

I am such a jealous person. I wish I could stop. It's one of those emotions that I can't seem to control. I know I sound jealous about this girl, and on some level I am. Why is it that he can help her, her life is pathetic, she doesn't have a car, money, really anything... And he can take care of her, and she doesn't have her shit together half as well as I do, but he couldn't take care of me. He refused. But he treats this girl like she's the rarest creature on Earth. That's what I'm jealous of.

This is not a comment on D. I know that he loves me, and that I love him. I don't want to be loved by E. I just want to feel special. The way E talks about this girl, I want to be talked about that way. I want to be loved like there isn't another one like me anywhere. I want to be loved like I love D.

I'm jealous of that love that E has for this undeserving girl. It makes me feel like less of a person. It makes me feel less special. I'm not concerned with whether or not it's right.