Dear God D is an idiot.
I got pulled over coming home from my parents place tonight. Would have been rather pleasant really had I not been PMSing. The officer was my age and rather handsome, he flirted a bit in a harmless way and didn't give me a ticket. I wasn't in a particularly big rush, so I wasn't completely put out that I'd gotten pulled over. Yet, bring the hormones and the emotion in and *poof* we have one shaken up, upset Etoile. So naturally, I called D. I related the horror of being pulled over for going five over the limit.
He simply asked: "Did you get a ticket?"
I replied: "Well no."
Him: "Great, I'm gonna go. I'm busy."
Me: "What? But I'm..."
Him: "I talk to you in the morning ok? I really want to get this filing done."
Me: "Filing?"
Him: "Yeah. I'm busy."
Me: "When aren't you?"
Him: "Call you..."
Me: "Whatever."
Flip goes the phone. SHUT. I break into hormonal tears. I mean what the fucking HELL WAS WRONG WITH HIM???? HE'S BUSY FILING? FILING? WHAT KIND OF SHIT EXCUSE IS THAT? If he'd called me with the same story I'd have been forced to listen to him rant for at least twenty minutes... If I'd been giving CPR to my dying cat he'd have asked if I could talk during compressions. For heaven's sake he couldn't have talked to me for a minute, comforted me? Calmed me down a bit? It was too hard? It was beyond his power? Really, I'm not surprised at all. I'm not really mad at him, though his selfishness is something to be marveled at. I am mad at myself for even calling him. For even thinking for one split second that he would care enough to be a friend about things. Because if there is one thing that is true its that any relationship I have with D is on his terms. I've completely given him the power to do whatever he wants. If I were giving myself advice I'd tell myself to forget about him. To stop all this "friends" nonsense. I never take anyone's advice though, especially not my own. I hate knowing that... Being so self-aware is a real bitch.
Ahh... One more thing, so sadly appropriate... After I got off the phone with him I flicked the radio back on in my car, this song was playing...
Night lift up the shades
let in the brilliant light of morning
but steady there now
for I am weak and starving for mercy
sleep has left me alone
to carry the weight of unraveling where we went wrong
it's all I can do to hang on
to keep me from falling
into old familiar shoes
how stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see
love has made me a fool
it set me on fire and watched as I floundered
unable to speak
except to cry out and wait for your answer
but you come around in your time
speaking of fabulous places
create an oasis
dries up as soon as you're gone
you leave me here burning
in this desert without you
how stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see
everything changes
everything falls apart
can't stop to feel myself losing control
but deep in my senses I know
--SARAH McLACHLAN "STUPID"
I got pulled over coming home from my parents place tonight. Would have been rather pleasant really had I not been PMSing. The officer was my age and rather handsome, he flirted a bit in a harmless way and didn't give me a ticket. I wasn't in a particularly big rush, so I wasn't completely put out that I'd gotten pulled over. Yet, bring the hormones and the emotion in and *poof* we have one shaken up, upset Etoile. So naturally, I called D. I related the horror of being pulled over for going five over the limit.
He simply asked: "Did you get a ticket?"
I replied: "Well no."
Him: "Great, I'm gonna go. I'm busy."
Me: "What? But I'm..."
Him: "I talk to you in the morning ok? I really want to get this filing done."
Me: "Filing?"
Him: "Yeah. I'm busy."
Me: "When aren't you?"
Him: "Call you..."
Me: "Whatever."
Flip goes the phone. SHUT. I break into hormonal tears. I mean what the fucking HELL WAS WRONG WITH HIM???? HE'S BUSY FILING? FILING? WHAT KIND OF SHIT EXCUSE IS THAT? If he'd called me with the same story I'd have been forced to listen to him rant for at least twenty minutes... If I'd been giving CPR to my dying cat he'd have asked if I could talk during compressions. For heaven's sake he couldn't have talked to me for a minute, comforted me? Calmed me down a bit? It was too hard? It was beyond his power? Really, I'm not surprised at all. I'm not really mad at him, though his selfishness is something to be marveled at. I am mad at myself for even calling him. For even thinking for one split second that he would care enough to be a friend about things. Because if there is one thing that is true its that any relationship I have with D is on his terms. I've completely given him the power to do whatever he wants. If I were giving myself advice I'd tell myself to forget about him. To stop all this "friends" nonsense. I never take anyone's advice though, especially not my own. I hate knowing that... Being so self-aware is a real bitch.
Ahh... One more thing, so sadly appropriate... After I got off the phone with him I flicked the radio back on in my car, this song was playing...
Night lift up the shades
let in the brilliant light of morning
but steady there now
for I am weak and starving for mercy
sleep has left me alone
to carry the weight of unraveling where we went wrong
it's all I can do to hang on
to keep me from falling
into old familiar shoes
how stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see
love has made me a fool
it set me on fire and watched as I floundered
unable to speak
except to cry out and wait for your answer
but you come around in your time
speaking of fabulous places
create an oasis
dries up as soon as you're gone
you leave me here burning
in this desert without you
how stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see
everything changes
everything falls apart
can't stop to feel myself losing control
but deep in my senses I know
--SARAH McLACHLAN "STUPID"
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