Just got up.
It looks like night here, its snowing. What a bitch.
I feel depressed and lonely. D and I yelled at each other on the phone for twenty minutes last night. He told me that I play "the victim" all the time, and that he's sick of hearing me whine. I told him he was selfish and only wanted to "be there" for me when it was convenient for him.
He ended up coming over anyway. I wish he hadn't. I had bizarre dreams that left my body burning and my mind anxious and confused. He touched me, he held me, but he wouldn't fuck me.
I wish he wouldn't have come here at all.
This place is dark, and cold. My ears hum a little, and my vision is clouded and strange, always a sign that its time to take my meds. Sometimes when it feels like this I want to slip away. I want to stop being "better" and go back to being in the darkness all the time. I want to feel my blood seep out of my veins and over my skin. I want my mind to be consumed with energy I can't stop and I want it to stop hurting when I hurt myself. Sometimes when it feels like this I want to stop taking my meds, and die.
Of course this is ridiculous. These are only momentary thoughts. They slip away like water. Look I am putting the pills in my mouth right now, one is big and yellow,the other is tiny and white... Swallow, swallow. All gone. Another day of sanity, here I come.
It looks like night here, its snowing. What a bitch.
I feel depressed and lonely. D and I yelled at each other on the phone for twenty minutes last night. He told me that I play "the victim" all the time, and that he's sick of hearing me whine. I told him he was selfish and only wanted to "be there" for me when it was convenient for him.
He ended up coming over anyway. I wish he hadn't. I had bizarre dreams that left my body burning and my mind anxious and confused. He touched me, he held me, but he wouldn't fuck me.
I wish he wouldn't have come here at all.
This place is dark, and cold. My ears hum a little, and my vision is clouded and strange, always a sign that its time to take my meds. Sometimes when it feels like this I want to slip away. I want to stop being "better" and go back to being in the darkness all the time. I want to feel my blood seep out of my veins and over my skin. I want my mind to be consumed with energy I can't stop and I want it to stop hurting when I hurt myself. Sometimes when it feels like this I want to stop taking my meds, and die.
Of course this is ridiculous. These are only momentary thoughts. They slip away like water. Look I am putting the pills in my mouth right now, one is big and yellow,the other is tiny and white... Swallow, swallow. All gone. Another day of sanity, here I come.
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