Easter was nothing to laugh about. Really it was just a continuation of everything that is wrong with me and D's relationship. This morning when he got to my parents' house he came upstairs straightaway to finish getting ready. Then we hurried off to church with him driving one of my parents' cars so that we didn't all have to squeeze into one car together. I was feeling nauseous and dizzy anyway so it was appropriate that he drive. When we got to church and sat down we leaned together and whispered little jokes to one another about the terrible things people were wearing. The real kicker was when the guest register came around (if you don't have one at your church or don't go to church, its this little book you sign into, there is one in each pew, so they know who came to church, how many people and such.) my father had already signed our family in, and D started to sign himself in. He nudged me a little so I'd look. First he wrote his first name... Then he wrote "& Etoile" then he wrote his own last name. For a very brief second he looked into my eyes. I reacted by giving him a nasty look then turning my head as he erased it, filling just his last name in. He nudged me again after I passed it down the aisle to the family next to us.

Me: "What?" I hissed.

D: "What's church if something funny and uncomfortable doesn't happen?"

Me: "You'll notice I'm not laughing."

Either he is just plain cruel, or he really thought he was being funny. I don't see how he could not know that kind of joke would hurt me. Then later he made some sort of comment about "our" children... Another joke I wasn't laughing at. Each little sting seemed directed at making me feel awful about a life I'll never have. I'll never have children, and he's made it perfectly clear about a thousand times that I'll never have him in that "man and wife" kind of way. So why does he continue to joke about it? I can't imagine him being deliberately cruel to me, or wanting to hurt me that deeply. I'm beginning to realize again why I pulled away a few months ago, it hurts too much to be this close to him. I think I probably need some space. Not tonight though... I've already made a commitment to work on some homework with him... I am a sad, pathetic woman. Really, I just want some ass and a warm body to sleep next to... And honestly after all the driving I did this week I could use a killer backrub... Which is the price of my editing skills. Am I horrible?