So nothing horrible happened. In fact nothing happened at all. Which is due greatly in part to the fact that I went straight to bed when I came home from school. I am a silly, silly girl sometimes.
On a side note my mother says that instead of fooling with these other guys that I should hook up with this guy. He's on our soap The Young and the Restless. Which now that I have TiVo I can keep up with again! She may be right. He plays the guitar and is sort of hot. I think I read that he's taller than me too (sometimes an issue at my 6'0). Honestly, my mother is adorable, she called me somewhere around three times today to check in with me. Gotta love her.
Somehow I got myself committed to going snowboarding on Saturday. A and B are going for the morning and invited D and I along. Neither D nor I has ever snowboarded before so it'll be interesting. All I know is that we're going to sleep very, very well Saturday night. Everything seems to be pretty normal again with D and I on the surface, but I feel like there is some unfinished stuff going on behind the scenes.
I miss E. I didn't want to but I do. I talked to him tonight and I felt my heart sort of ache. Its those hugs, and the way he takes my face in his hands and looks in my eyes before he kisses me. So comforting, so sweet, SO CONVINCING! He almost has me convinced during those times that I can totally depend on him. Historically, I can't depend on him, to be on time, to take care of his problems so I don't have to, to not fall for girls that are skinnier than me when times get rough, to stop me from killing myself in a drunk manic rage... I don't know if I can ever forgive him completely for some of the things that have happened between us. My heart is torn between my love for him and my own self preservation.
I am so confused. And tired, I am exhausted. I love E, I've loved him from the moment I layed eyes on him. I knew that I couldn't escape that beautiful smile and those warm kisses. I didn't want to love him, I was busy with other things, like avoiding The Ex pushing me down staircases. But I did, I fell in love. Then things went terribly wrong. Then I met D. I didn't want to love him either. Certainly not while I still loved E. All I wanted was for him to screw me, til all the madness clouding my life disappeared. Somewhere around the time he was bandaging my wrists after I contiuously tried to bleed the pain out of my body physically, I knew, I loved him too. Then when we were at his parents' this summer and he was someone different, so sweet, so loving. Now I'm caught in the middle of something I desperately don't want to be a part of anymore. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. It kind of all happened while I wasn't looking. Or rather, while I wasn't medicated! Ha, hahaha ha. Mmmm. Delirious laughter. Oh God. I need to sleep.
On a side note my mother says that instead of fooling with these other guys that I should hook up with this guy. He's on our soap The Young and the Restless. Which now that I have TiVo I can keep up with again! She may be right. He plays the guitar and is sort of hot. I think I read that he's taller than me too (sometimes an issue at my 6'0). Honestly, my mother is adorable, she called me somewhere around three times today to check in with me. Gotta love her.
Somehow I got myself committed to going snowboarding on Saturday. A and B are going for the morning and invited D and I along. Neither D nor I has ever snowboarded before so it'll be interesting. All I know is that we're going to sleep very, very well Saturday night. Everything seems to be pretty normal again with D and I on the surface, but I feel like there is some unfinished stuff going on behind the scenes.
I miss E. I didn't want to but I do. I talked to him tonight and I felt my heart sort of ache. Its those hugs, and the way he takes my face in his hands and looks in my eyes before he kisses me. So comforting, so sweet, SO CONVINCING! He almost has me convinced during those times that I can totally depend on him. Historically, I can't depend on him, to be on time, to take care of his problems so I don't have to, to not fall for girls that are skinnier than me when times get rough, to stop me from killing myself in a drunk manic rage... I don't know if I can ever forgive him completely for some of the things that have happened between us. My heart is torn between my love for him and my own self preservation.
I am so confused. And tired, I am exhausted. I love E, I've loved him from the moment I layed eyes on him. I knew that I couldn't escape that beautiful smile and those warm kisses. I didn't want to love him, I was busy with other things, like avoiding The Ex pushing me down staircases. But I did, I fell in love. Then things went terribly wrong. Then I met D. I didn't want to love him either. Certainly not while I still loved E. All I wanted was for him to screw me, til all the madness clouding my life disappeared. Somewhere around the time he was bandaging my wrists after I contiuously tried to bleed the pain out of my body physically, I knew, I loved him too. Then when we were at his parents' this summer and he was someone different, so sweet, so loving. Now I'm caught in the middle of something I desperately don't want to be a part of anymore. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. It kind of all happened while I wasn't looking. Or rather, while I wasn't medicated! Ha, hahaha ha. Mmmm. Delirious laughter. Oh God. I need to sleep.
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