I just got back to my place. I've either done the stupidest or the smartest thing I could do. At any rate I've done the bravest thing I've done in a while. I stood up for myself once and for all. I ended it with D.

We had a rather pleasant evening. We watched TV at his place and watched snow fall out the window. We snuggled on the couch. Then we went to bed. And started talking. At some point I asked him; "Do you ever want to sleep with me sober?" which turned into him saying: "I'm not sure if we should sleep together anymore."

Me: "Don't you think this is something WE should talk about? Not just YOU deciding?"

D: "Ok. What do you want to know?"

Me: "Why do you feel this way?"

D: "It started when E was here..." (he trailed off mumbling something I didn't catch)

Me: "I don't see how that has anything to do with anything."

D: "The way I see it is it would be easier to just stop sleeping together now. We'll stop eventually when one of us starts seeing someone else. Or we'll end up married."

Me: "Ok. Y'know, I really didn't want to get into this tonight, I was being playful about not sleeping together sober. But I'm just going to say this: I only see this ending one of two ways."

D: "What's that?"

Me: "One: We stop spending time together completely. Two: we explore other non-platonic options."

D: "I guess we'll have to choose Three: Everthing will work out fine."

Me: "Yeah, I've been trying option Three for about a year now... Doesn't seem to work out."

D: "Well I guess I don't know what I want to do."

Me: "Gee D... The suspense is killing me. Almost literally."

D: "What you want me to decide NOW?"

Me: "I think if you wanted to be with me in any capacity it wouldn't be a hard choice."

D: "I want us to be friends."

Me: "I can't. Not anymore. Its... Its just gone too far."

D: (panicked) "What do you mean?"

Me: (strangely calm.) "I mean, I can't just be friends with you. I love you. I do want you to be happy. That's part of it. If we stay friends and you fall for someone I'm not going to be able to be nice about it. Not to her, not to you. That's not fair. It will make you miserable. I mean part of the reason I've tried so hard with E is that I really wanted to find what was there before, so that maybe you and I could 'just be friends' but I've realized that I'm never going to be able to be very happy about you being with someone else. If I can't do that then we shouldn't have any kind of relationship, because otherwise I'll just hold you back." (That's sorta paraphrased... I was rambling towards the end.)

D: "Fine. I just won't date anyone."

Me: "C'mon sweetie... That's just not fair, not to you and not to me. I can't just be back-up forever, in case you don't find anyone better."

D: "You aren't back-up"

***A VERY LONG SILENCE***

I got up and pulled my shirt on, found my jeans in the living room where I'd discarded them for pj pants earlier. Gathered my things.

D:(very panicky now.) "What are you doing?"

Me: (quietly) "Going."

D: (takes my purse and walks into bedroom.) "NO. You aren't."

Me: (continued to get my things, placed them by front door, walked into bedroom, started putting on socks)

D: (Wraps arms tightly around me.) "Don't go. Stay. Please stay."

Me: "There's no point in staying now. I have to go. Please, don't make this harder."

I walk into the kitchen put on my boots. Then back into his bedroom where he lay looking sort of distraught. I took his hand and tears started to fall from my eyes, hot on my face.

Me: "I want you to know this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But I have to go now, I don't know what else there is to do."

D: "Will you at least call me to tell me you got home ok?"

Me: "I suppose."

I got up and left. As I closed the door I stopped and almost laughed.

Me: "I didn't think things would turn out like this. Really, I'm kind of surprised."

Before he could say a thing I left. I knew he wouldn't follow me. As I drove home the streets were wet, but not icy. The air was quiet and calm. When I entered the city there was a strange mist in the streets and everything was quiet. I found a fantastic parking spot for it being 3 AM. I walked into the house feeling tired, but somehow relieved. Finally, things are out of my hands. As I was sitting down to take my boots off the phone started ringing. Of course it was him.

D: "Are you ok?"

Me: (laughs) "Hardly."

D: "Can I call you tomorrow? Can we talk?"

Me: PAUSE "I don't know."

D: "What do you want? I mean if you don't..."

Me: (Interrupting) "What do I WANT??? I want YOU. I always have."

D: "Etoile, I really don't want to lose you."

Me: "I think its too late. At the very least, THE VERY LEAST, I'm going to need some serious time. I don't know... I think its just over with us. Look, I'm tired. If you want to talk to me you can call me tomorrow sometime I guess."

D: "Yeah, I guess we picked a bad time to talk about this."

Me: "I guess. Goodnight."

D: "Bye."

Dial tone.

For the hardest thing I've ever had to do, its starting to feel surprisingly easy. All at once I just accepted it. He's never going to love me that way. He never has. He never will. Whatever it is that isn't good enough about me, or isn't right, doesn't matter anymore. I can stop trying to figure it out. I can stop struggling so hard to feel like the perfect girl. I'm free. Finally. And he wasn't the one to cut my bonds, I let myself go. The days ahead are going to be hard. Very, very hard. I will miss him. I will regret saying anything that I said tonight. I know myself. But no matter what happens now, with him or with anyone, I FINALLY stood up for myself. I finally stopped leaning on my last crutch and found I could stand on my own. I'm looking around and I'm pretty much ok. My world didn't shatter, I guess I thought letting go of him would crack it to pieces.

ash, ash--
You poke and stir.
Flesh, bone, there is nothing there--

A cake of soap,
A wedding ring,
A gold filling.

Herr god, Herr Lucifer
Beware
Beware.

out of the ash
I rise with my red hair
and I eat men like air

-- Sylvia Plath, From "Lady Lazarus"