This has been the most bizarre weekend of my life.

Friday morning D called me (I had given him my home number, he could have gotten it on his own at any time... Directory Assistance). It was the first time I'd heard his voice in six weeks. I was at class when he called, he left a message, saying that he wanted me to call him. I listened to the message twice. Then dialed those familiar numbers. When he picked up I knew I'd woken him up from a nap. I asked if he wanted to talk later, he insisted that it was fine. We talked for over an hour and a half. Eventually, I decided that it would be better to get off the phone first, y'know have the upper hand. He asked me to dinner.

I said yes. I think secretly I'd been hoping the whole time he would ask.

When he got here I was reading The NY Times online. He stuck his head in and knocked. When I got out of my chair he hugged me. His hands pressed me close, for about ten seconds too long. That familiar smell, his warm skin against mine. I had to pull away.

We walked out to the elevator and I noticed him looking at me strangely, closely. I tried not to look back too much. I always read more into those looks than I should.

After catching up over dinner there was an awkward moment. "What should we do next?" we asked each other. I was just trying to figure out what the point of this whole "dinner" thing was. We hadn't talked about anything very substantial, there was something hanging in the air. So I asked him about him and A. Had they slept together? He looked at me and laughed. No they hadn't... Didn't I know how unattractive he thinks she is? I said I did. He asked why I thought that. I told him about the lying email from her, and the call from B. His face grew dark. "I am so angry that she'd do something like that to you" he said. Then he told me how she's been dating someone else for the past six weeks. And again that he's never done anything with her.

I guess it isn't too surprising that I'd overreacted

Now that was cleared up he asked if I wanted to go get a drink. So we drove back to my place and parked, then walked over to a local bar. At the bar there was more insubstantial conversation. I was beginning to wonder if he was ever going to reach a point where he'd say what it was that we were doing out at dinner, then at the bar having a drink like nothing had ever happened.

Suddenly he stopped talking and looked very serious. "Can we leave?" he said. "And go where?" I said. Ah, he wanted to go back to my place. "So he thinks it'll just be that easy, buy me a couple of drinks and then we'll fuck. Then he'll screw me over. Again" I thought. Reluctantly, being the weak one that I am I agreed.

When we stepped out of the bar it had gotten much colder, and windier than when we'd gone in. I shivered a bit. He took his jacket off and helped me into it. So strange of him to be so polite, almost sweet. I was skeptical. Walking home our hands brushed. I was filled with wonder at the almost electric shock of touching his skin. We both paused a second and his fingers closed around mine. I was confused, but went with it, for a while. When we were almost home and his hand was still firmly entwined with mine I shook his grip on me pretending to need both hands to fish something out of my purse. The keys, that seemed appropriate.

At home conversation started to stall a bit. So apparently it was time for confessions. He told me that while he hadn't slept with A, he had slept with two other girls. I was shocked that I wasn't very jealous. I told him I'd slept with E. Then made fun of him for sleeping with one of the girls, she has a silly name. I started to say something else and he stopped me saying; "Look I just wanted to be honest with you about the things I've been doing." I raised my eyebrows, saying; " I don't think you need to feel obligated to tell me anything. It isn't like you were cheating on me... (Laughing) It is difficult to cheat on someone who isn't your girlfriend." He looked so very serious.

"Etoile, there's something I have to tell you. Now."

My breath caught in my throat. He kissed me. That perfect mouth on mine, his hands in my hair, I could feel myself slipping. Then clarity... This wasn't him telling me something! This was him trying to get me into bed. That bastard... Then he was talking again...

"I love you. I want us to be together."

My heart stopped. Hell froze over. The world stopped turning. All in one second I'd been shaken like a snow globe. I think I must have looked like a terrified Disney character, with my eyes widening to three quarters the size of my head.

"You what?" I managed to push past the lump growing in my chest.

And this barrage of words fell from his mouth. How he'd missed me so much. How when he couldn't talk to me he'd obsessed. How he'd looked at pictures of us thinking of me, and feeling horrible. How he promised that if I would be with him that he'd never hurt me that way again. That he would do all the things that he should have been doing for the past two years. That if I'd let him he'd try to make me happy. That he wanted to start all over, with me. I swear, it was so much of everything I've ever wanted to hear that I can barely remember anything clearly, past me falling into his arms kissing him again. Him murmuring "I never kissed you enough before." We somehow made it into bed. We were amazing together. Of course. Then falling asleep hearing him say "I love you"...

In the morning things were different.

They were better. He kissed me when he woke up. Yes, he still loved me. That wasn't going to change. Ever.

I walked around in shock for the whole day. 'Til that night when I went to his place.'Til I walked in the door and he put his arms around me kissing me hello. Then I fell on the couch beside him, falling asleep.

Sleeping next to him again, warm in his arms made me feel better than I've ever felt. I haven't forgotten one moment of the past six months or so... Maybe this is a reckless choice. Maybe I'm setting myself up for a fall.

I don't think so. I trust him. I trust this.

I've had to do something hard. I had to finally end it all with E. It doesn't have so much to do with D and I as it does with the fact that if I really loved him I wouldn't feel this way about someone else. Surprisingly, he isn't mad or anything. I think it's what he wanted too.

And when I called D last night and said "I just wanted to tell you... I love you too" he paused for a second and said "I love you" back. I felt like someone had shoved me into a ray of sunshine.

Is this what happiness feels like? D says I deserve to be happy. That the happier I am the happier he'll be.

Now that's different.