There's a strange empty feeling inside my life right now. Its like hearing the noise of the refrigerator running for so long that when it turns off it seems quiet all around. There's this silence surrounding me. All these things I do, what do they mean? I suppose they don't have to mean anything. Not feeling things the way I used to is an adjustment. For things to be what some would call normal is a strange new world for me. The days go by, and I do homework, keep the house clean, and follow a routine, that is becoming... Routine. I always thought that would feel so good. Oddly, I miss my misery. The things I wished away feel far and foreign now. The pain I've held so close for so long resurfaces momentarily as I let it go. It is panic inducing to see it go. What is real? I find myself wondering so much... What can I touch and hold onto that won't go away? The only feelings I ever knew that were real and that didn't disappear were those of hurt... It takes a big deep breath to turn away from this and let it fall. The difficulty is not stepping back into the arms of comfort. Learning is trying.