Time for confessions.

A week ago I emailed D. I created an entirely new Yahoo! Account and emailed him. My only goal here was to tell him the things that I've been feeling, to tell him the things that I've been shouting at him in my head for the last few weeks. I made it clear that I didn't want to start things up again, just to clear the air a little. But I opened a door. In some ways I'm glad I opened it. It showed me that I'm not as over all of this as I thought. That's been really hard. The nightmares have been sort of horrific. They got worse once he began to email me back. I hadn't expected that. It is unlike him to respond to raw emotion that way. For some reason he did.

I woke up from a dream, this morning, about him and A calling me, making fun of the email... And other things. Them describing together, how good it feels to be rid of me so that they can be together. I woke up and felt as if the breath had been stolen from my lungs. My heart was pumping hard, I could hear it in my ears. In short, I freaked. A lot. Still am in fact.

After dizzily walking in to the living room and collapsing in my chair, I still don't feel better.

That's a running theme this weekend.

I just don't feel better.