What would you do if I sang out tune?
I always thought this was my thing, you know books, poetry, LITERATURE. That it was easy for me. Sure, I haven't read as many of them as all of you smarty-pants people out there. People hear that I'm an English major and go "Oh? So have you read ________?" (you may fill in the blank with some hoity toity "canon" author that I probably haven't even heard of). So sadly I shake my head "No." and feel just a little humiliated. Because here I am, the English major, who hasn't read all the hoity toity canon authors, and who doesn't seem to know what words like "dialogic" mean on the first day of class, and who hears everybody else talking about guys like Spinoza (sorry I still don't know who he is, I'll ask the internet later so I can feel as smart as everybody else) like he gave some kind of lecture in the quad last week that I missed out on, and who is writing THIS FREAKIN' RUN-ON SENTENCE.
Would you stand up and walk out on me?
I just always thought; "Hey, that's ok, I don't know all this stuff, and I haven't read all your authors, but I'll catch up. I've had stuff. But when I sit down with something I GET IT. I mean I GET IT." See I've always had this sick talent with literature and poetry, I've never even had to have heard of it, or have sat down with it and thought about it. I usually just sort of understand it like it was already a part of me somehow... But something's happened... I can't do it. I can't seem to think about it the way that I used to. Somehow they all just got smarter than me. I thought this was something that only happened with math, you know, you hit your math plateau and then that's it. How can I have hit my English plateau?
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song...
I've watched friends around me have these brief moments of crisis, where they wonder "Can I do it?" and I've never faltered in my belief in them. I've always known that they all can do it. Whether it be D with engineering, BQ with economics, or E with all those really hard finance classes he took, or any of the others... I always knew that all of them had it in them to do it. Part of that belief came from my unwavering belief that we are an unusually bright group, each gifted in our own ways. That has always been my secret pleasure, that I have always been a part of an elite group of hideously smart people. I want to puke in my cup of coffee right now realizing the slow realization that I might not belong. I am struggling, gasping for academic air so hard I feel myself choking on the briny water of defeat. This thing I love so much, my passion, maybe it isn't my thing. Maybe I'm nothing more than a ditz.
I will try not to sing out of key.
Where is my head? I seriously need an adjustment in my world, everything is off-kilter and I know this little glitch in the works can't just be me. What am I going to do?
Oh Baby I get by with a little help from my friends.
Something is going really wrong with me. I don't know if it is this thing with D, or what, but something is going wrong. It isn't my medication. I'm not going to go manic and lose my shit, so everybody can sit on that fear. This is a life problem that I'm having a really hard time solving, and while I'm paying a hundred bucks an hour for a great therapist I need a quicker fix than I'm getting. An hour a week doesn't seem to be cutting it.
By with a little help from my friends
Look I need help. Real help. This is my cry. I'm seeking it in other places too but I want to hear what you think. You've all been here for the dirty stuff, so let's hear it. This is starting to affect the thing I care about most right now, school, and I can't have that. I don't care if your suggestion is that I should stand on my head for twenty minutes a day, picturing a herd of pink rhinoceri... As long as you are serious. I'll try just about anything at this point. Let's hear it blogosphere friends... That's what the comments box is for.
**Kisses**
I always thought this was my thing, you know books, poetry, LITERATURE. That it was easy for me. Sure, I haven't read as many of them as all of you smarty-pants people out there. People hear that I'm an English major and go "Oh? So have you read ________?" (you may fill in the blank with some hoity toity "canon" author that I probably haven't even heard of). So sadly I shake my head "No." and feel just a little humiliated. Because here I am, the English major, who hasn't read all the hoity toity canon authors, and who doesn't seem to know what words like "dialogic" mean on the first day of class, and who hears everybody else talking about guys like Spinoza (sorry I still don't know who he is, I'll ask the internet later so I can feel as smart as everybody else) like he gave some kind of lecture in the quad last week that I missed out on, and who is writing THIS FREAKIN' RUN-ON SENTENCE.
Would you stand up and walk out on me?
I just always thought; "Hey, that's ok, I don't know all this stuff, and I haven't read all your authors, but I'll catch up. I've had stuff. But when I sit down with something I GET IT. I mean I GET IT." See I've always had this sick talent with literature and poetry, I've never even had to have heard of it, or have sat down with it and thought about it. I usually just sort of understand it like it was already a part of me somehow... But something's happened... I can't do it. I can't seem to think about it the way that I used to. Somehow they all just got smarter than me. I thought this was something that only happened with math, you know, you hit your math plateau and then that's it. How can I have hit my English plateau?
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song...
I've watched friends around me have these brief moments of crisis, where they wonder "Can I do it?" and I've never faltered in my belief in them. I've always known that they all can do it. Whether it be D with engineering, BQ with economics, or E with all those really hard finance classes he took, or any of the others... I always knew that all of them had it in them to do it. Part of that belief came from my unwavering belief that we are an unusually bright group, each gifted in our own ways. That has always been my secret pleasure, that I have always been a part of an elite group of hideously smart people. I want to puke in my cup of coffee right now realizing the slow realization that I might not belong. I am struggling, gasping for academic air so hard I feel myself choking on the briny water of defeat. This thing I love so much, my passion, maybe it isn't my thing. Maybe I'm nothing more than a ditz.
I will try not to sing out of key.
Where is my head? I seriously need an adjustment in my world, everything is off-kilter and I know this little glitch in the works can't just be me. What am I going to do?
Oh Baby I get by with a little help from my friends.
Something is going really wrong with me. I don't know if it is this thing with D, or what, but something is going wrong. It isn't my medication. I'm not going to go manic and lose my shit, so everybody can sit on that fear. This is a life problem that I'm having a really hard time solving, and while I'm paying a hundred bucks an hour for a great therapist I need a quicker fix than I'm getting. An hour a week doesn't seem to be cutting it.
By with a little help from my friends
Look I need help. Real help. This is my cry. I'm seeking it in other places too but I want to hear what you think. You've all been here for the dirty stuff, so let's hear it. This is starting to affect the thing I care about most right now, school, and I can't have that. I don't care if your suggestion is that I should stand on my head for twenty minutes a day, picturing a herd of pink rhinoceri... As long as you are serious. I'll try just about anything at this point. Let's hear it blogosphere friends... That's what the comments box is for.
**Kisses**
8 Comments:
My suggestion, and I know it is a hard one to do, is that you have to remove yourself from both D and E's worlds. They are poison to you. Neither one will give you what you deserve. They both want to do it on their terms, but what about your terms, what about you? I'm not sure how to get them totally out of your live, but I truly belive this is what you have to do. Neither one wants to give you what you truly need, they want to give what they want and if it becomes too much then oh, well, they will just stop. Somewhere out there there is a guy who will love and worship you for who you are, bipolor and all, don't settle for anything less, you are worth it. And just know even if we are not their for you in "real" life we are here in the blogshere rooting for you. Thats just my humble opinion, hugs
just hang on. you'll be fine. don't give up alright?
I wish I had something big and clever to say,
but firstly... Ditz? I don't think so.
And. Maybe it's all too much? Everything piles up sometimes, and the noises in your head are too confused. Maybe if you took a break, got away... Maybe it'd be better.
I think you're great. I found your blog randomly, and I bookmarked it. Hang in there -- I'm working on my PhD in English, and I've often felt like giving up.
But you know you can't.
You're a good writer -- keep on keeping on.
xo-
Yep - Im with Butterfly Girl - Ive said it before (in not such polite terms) but meh, you know me.. im all heart really!
Get rid of the guys...
Stop analysing yourself all the time. Its much better to be fun, lighthearted and interesting than to be able to recite titles of books you've read and authors you know. DOUBLE YAWN! Being an English major doesnt require that you become a boring nark who remembers unimportant details. If you were kidnapped by a mad man who stood pointing a gun to your head - quoting Shakespeare to him probably isnt going to keep your head - Being cool, charming and being able to talk him round will - I know which skill Id rather have and you already have it.
Now go enjoy your twenties you've got plenty of time to worry when your Lord Master Stephens age.
Thanks guys.
Have to say I agree with the always wise Attendant. You've got to let go of D and E. They're stopping you from BEING you.
So much of your life lately has been tied up with THEM.
You need time for you. I know it sounds cliched, but it's true.
Sending you HUGE amounts of positive energy. {{hugs}}
i've been trying for the last couple days to think of a good way of replying to the underlying sudden insecurity of this post: that lurch you get when your new peers have slightly different backgrounds or history and you feel that pang of insecurity and self-doubt and wondering if you're out of your depth or doing the wrong thing.
and i just ran across a BRILLIANT post written by someone who's gone through the whole process of discovering how few wannabe academics actually have a clue, and has come roaring out the other side. and i think he's said everything i was going to say but far more authoritatively for your purposes. so i'll just post his post ;)
have a read, then have a closer look at the people showing off about author this or book that or philosophy the other, and see if they fit his scathing stereotypes. they sound like they do...
:
HereBeMonsters:
Old academics don't die, they just lose their faculties
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