First off, let me say that I love you people for picking out what I say and caring about it. It makes me feel good. I never expected that starting an online journal would make me feel like I had friends. I wish I could bundle you all up and hug you. I want to respond to some of your responses to my comment about anti-depressants, because some of you seem concerned.

I do, as always, have my reasons...

I have resisted being on anti-depressants for three years now. Because I am a HUGE-ASS fan of psychotherapy. I go once a week to an utterly fabulous therapist who has really helped me with some of my issues. In fact, I've been in therapy since I was eight years old. That's over half my life. You'd think I'd run out of shit to talk about... But, no. So let’s just get that out of the way. I LOVE to work it all out. And I am.

However, I've been ignoring something important for a long time. There are two parts to my disease the ups... and the downs. They are chemical. They are not caused (though sometimes they are triggered by) events in my life. It is my brain. I've gotten really good at recognizing the difference between what is just life, and what is chemical. Until recently I've thought a lot of my unhappiness was caused by things in the "just life" category.

There's a feeling though, something I'm getting a little more comfortable with. It is almost like a sixth sense. It is the recognition of what life is, and what is my brain. I have to be constantly vigilant of this feeling, because I do NOT want to be on more medication than I need. I am afraid of pills. The wrong anti-depressant once made me lose my mind. Yet, I know that lows are getting lower, and it is getting harder to get back to the middle. The feeling the nudging at the back of my mind whispers "It is time." This is not simply me feeling yucked by life, though I certainly do at times, this is something more. It isn't the depression that worries me, I've never been what one would call a "happy" person, though I played one once in my high school years. Ugh.. Cheerleading... Shudder. The truth is it is the getting back up again that worries me. It is starting to take more and more, the usual things (exercise, fun music, etc.) are working. I sit through them and don't enjoy any of it.

I'm even starting to not enjoy what I know is really good sex.



{Pause for the collective gasp}




I know. Not like me at all. So I'm going to try it for a few months. There are some really low-grade anti-depressants out there. I'm going to try one of them and see if the little nudge in the upward direction might make it easier to get back to the middle. 'Cause honestly kids, I'm tired. I'm tired of this disease. I'm tired of seeing how it eats at my life and my family. I need to be better for a while. Just like I won't mess with Lithium ('cause it will fuck you up) I won't fuck with shit like Prozac or any other really strong anti-depressants. They're just not for me.

I love you all. Thank you for all your concern. It really does make me feel good that you care. That's why you got an "explanation" post. Don't want you thinkin' I turn to drugs all willy-nilly. Hee hee, I said "willy nilly."
*Kisses*