Now, after three screwdrivers I feel something.
Mad.
Really fucking mad. REALLY.
I think I've about had it. This is Daddy's second round of cancer. I'm fucking crazy. My sister is retarded. I've had it. There's more. Daddy's business is not going well. I'm selfish and I'm afraid that when he dies we won't have enough, and on top of everything, Mama will have to go back to work. I'm afraid I'll never get to go to grad school. I'm devastated that he'll never see me get married, or have a kid.
It's not fair.
So many people go through life with the littlest problems. They get into tiny car accidents, and their parents die of natural causes at eighty-five. The worst things that ever happen to them are that they didn't make the cheerleading team in high school, or something of equivalent crappiness. I envy them. I envy their small problems that seem so big. I wish so hard every night that I'll wake up and my biggest worry is "when will D pop the question?"... If you happen to be one of those people, pray. Pray to God and tell him how happy you are that he blessed you.
My character is built up enough.
No more trite sayings, please. I know everyone's sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry my precious Daddy has a nest of tumors infecting his brain. I'm sorry that if he chooses to fight the fight might kill him. Tell me you don't know what to say. Tell me it's "fucking gutting to hear"... Because it is. I literally feel like someone is ripping my innards out right now. I could tear something apart.
All it took was three screwdrivers... They unscrewed me. I'm loose now.
I still can't cry. I don't know why, but I can't. I want to punch the wall, but I don't want to hurt my hand. I was tempted to be mean to D, so I got out of bed. I'd already started being mean, so I thought it better to leave. It isn't his fault. But I hate him for having two healthy parents. Right now, I don't really hate him. It just doesn't seem fair.
He's one of the people that are driving me nuts right now. He's one of those people that anything that's been hard for him he's chosen. Part of that I'm proud of. His military service must have been excruciating at times, but he chose that. If he had difficulties in high school, it's because he made them for himself. It makes me so angry at some of the opportunities that he has that I've never had a chance at. I certainly don't wish anything bad for him, I just wish he had some point of perspective on what it's like to follow all the rules, do everything right and still get screwed, over and over.
That's the one thing that I thing E really is getting right now. He's been there for all the shit that's gone wrong that nobody could help or stop. He knows that this is just an addition to a really long list of things I can't change. It's good to have someone to lean on, even just a little right now. I feel like I have to be stronger around D, because I feel like he just doesn't understand.
I appreciate everything he's doing though. I couldn't get through any of this without him. In fact, I think I would have shut down by now if I didn't have him. D is the glue that holds me together. I just wish he knew what it was like to have everything be derailed. Maybe he does and I just don't know it.
I feel sick.
Mad.
Really fucking mad. REALLY.
I think I've about had it. This is Daddy's second round of cancer. I'm fucking crazy. My sister is retarded. I've had it. There's more. Daddy's business is not going well. I'm selfish and I'm afraid that when he dies we won't have enough, and on top of everything, Mama will have to go back to work. I'm afraid I'll never get to go to grad school. I'm devastated that he'll never see me get married, or have a kid.
It's not fair.
So many people go through life with the littlest problems. They get into tiny car accidents, and their parents die of natural causes at eighty-five. The worst things that ever happen to them are that they didn't make the cheerleading team in high school, or something of equivalent crappiness. I envy them. I envy their small problems that seem so big. I wish so hard every night that I'll wake up and my biggest worry is "when will D pop the question?"... If you happen to be one of those people, pray. Pray to God and tell him how happy you are that he blessed you.
My character is built up enough.
No more trite sayings, please. I know everyone's sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry my precious Daddy has a nest of tumors infecting his brain. I'm sorry that if he chooses to fight the fight might kill him. Tell me you don't know what to say. Tell me it's "fucking gutting to hear"... Because it is. I literally feel like someone is ripping my innards out right now. I could tear something apart.
All it took was three screwdrivers... They unscrewed me. I'm loose now.
I still can't cry. I don't know why, but I can't. I want to punch the wall, but I don't want to hurt my hand. I was tempted to be mean to D, so I got out of bed. I'd already started being mean, so I thought it better to leave. It isn't his fault. But I hate him for having two healthy parents. Right now, I don't really hate him. It just doesn't seem fair.
He's one of the people that are driving me nuts right now. He's one of those people that anything that's been hard for him he's chosen. Part of that I'm proud of. His military service must have been excruciating at times, but he chose that. If he had difficulties in high school, it's because he made them for himself. It makes me so angry at some of the opportunities that he has that I've never had a chance at. I certainly don't wish anything bad for him, I just wish he had some point of perspective on what it's like to follow all the rules, do everything right and still get screwed, over and over.
That's the one thing that I thing E really is getting right now. He's been there for all the shit that's gone wrong that nobody could help or stop. He knows that this is just an addition to a really long list of things I can't change. It's good to have someone to lean on, even just a little right now. I feel like I have to be stronger around D, because I feel like he just doesn't understand.
I appreciate everything he's doing though. I couldn't get through any of this without him. In fact, I think I would have shut down by now if I didn't have him. D is the glue that holds me together. I just wish he knew what it was like to have everything be derailed. Maybe he does and I just don't know it.
I feel sick.
4 Comments:
All I will say is that I can't imagine how you must feel. I know most of my problems are in my head, or will be solved somehow. I almost lost my mom last year to a heart attack, and there is nothing to compare losing a parent to, so I won't try. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
daniel is right. your situation warrants a comment, can't leave the page in silence. ur dad and u r in my prayers and thoughts.
i should've commented this long ago, but i really love your blog. your writing is excellent and so REAL. i wish i could be so real in my writing.
gah. that didnt come out right. i meant you are very transparent in your writing. which makes it good.
Thanks guys... Sorry about the constant venting... I'll try to throw something funny in there every once in a while.
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