Why am I still up?
One word...
Christmas.
It isn't like it was when I was a kid. I'd stay up late being excited about the toys I was going to get, the Barbies, the She-ra figurines... The books... Ohhh the books. My sister would come get me up and then we'd rush to the tree together only to rip through the presents in ten seconds. Then we'd run commentary for the camera while Daddy asked us questions like we were movie stars. On Christmas morning we were famous. We'd review each present like we were selling it. My sister mostly just laughed.
Now I'm running lists in my head after a long two days of shopping and wrapping. D's been at scuba and/or work non-stop so we haven't had much time together. He's passed out in bed. I'm sitting on the couch in only my robe and fleece hiking boots. I had to slip the boots on to go out to the porch and retrieve ground beef... I'm making chili tomorrow. Whereas last week I was numb, this week I am weepy.
I'm very close to my family, I've never lived more than an hour or so away from them. Not because I'm one of those people that CAN'T but because I just haven't. I went to college close because it was cost effective (and my dad had prostate cancer at the time, completely unrelated to the brain cancer btw). So I'm close to them, geographically and emotionally. They're a pretty huge part of my life.
I understand people who aren't close to their families, people have reasons for everything. But my family has been through a lot together, especially since Cat (my lil sis) has Down Syndrome. It really has brought us together in a really special way. We have dozens of Cat-isms, because she is the funniest out of all of us. Her sense of humor is so dead on... She's remarkable. Mama's the real glue though, she takes care of us all. She's the apple pie making, stern talking, hair stroking, medicine administrating, take-care-of-it-all mom. She stayed at home after Cat was born and she took that job seriously, she's amazing, and my hero.
Daddy and I are lucky to have them. We're the really difficult ones. In the past few years he's really grown to be the dad I always wanted as a little girl. Cat was always his favorite when we were little, it just seemed like things were evened out.
There have been times in the past two weeks where I've felt like the three of us (Mama, Daddy and me) were the only three people in the world. There would be moments in the ICU when a look would just pass between the three of us. We almost didn't need words.
We say we love each other so much more. I hate to hear that crack in my dad's voice that makes me so sensitive to his awareness. In some ways it would be so much easier if this were sudden. But it isn't, and I'm grateful for the time to hope, and to say goodbye if need be. But the potential dying and the actual sickness are such separate issues, and I don't know how to deal with either one.
I've heard lots of opinions on what I "should" be doing, or on the correctness of how I feel. I've thought on this a lot. I've had a lot of time alone in the last couple of days... Or at least it feels that way, since D's been gone so much... Experiencing death and sickness of a loved one is different for everyone. I'm angry right now, and that's fine. I may not be angry forever, or I might be, though I tend to think I won't. I don't want anyone's pity, I'm not asking for it. I'm not using my dad's sickness as an excuse for anything, he would kill me if he knew I was doing such a thing. I know this is going to be hard, but I refuse to let it paralyze me. There too many things to do.
I'm lucky to have BQ who is my constant. It's funny how we work extraneous issues out quickly in order to cope in a crisis. BQ is the best for that kind of thing, sometimes sushi, shopping and a down and dirty bitch session are what a girl needs to clear her head.{{I really needed that, thanks honey}} E keeps me laughing, and listens when I want to talk. He doesn't push me for information, and basically makes an effort to create a sense of normalcy. I've needed that. D... D is the salve to my wound. He lets me cry when I want to, and says it's ok. He doesn't complain that I usually end up crying at three a.m. when he really needs the sleep. He lets me be mean to him when I really am angry at God or Fate or whatever. He takes it, but doesn't let me take it too far. He calms me down then lets me cry more. He smiles at me from across the room and sits next to me on the couch. Some stuff slips, but he makes up for it by calling me in the middle of the day, no matter what to say "hey kitten" and check on what I want for dinner. He puts my puzzle pieces back together when they get a little jogged.
All in all I feel lucky.. I have a few people who love me and take care of me. I'd do the same for them in a heartbeat. I used to want a group of friends, like people have on T.V. I thought it was supposed to be like that. Now, I'm just glad it is the way it is. I can deal with this... And of course I have the blogosphere...
One word...
Christmas.
It isn't like it was when I was a kid. I'd stay up late being excited about the toys I was going to get, the Barbies, the She-ra figurines... The books... Ohhh the books. My sister would come get me up and then we'd rush to the tree together only to rip through the presents in ten seconds. Then we'd run commentary for the camera while Daddy asked us questions like we were movie stars. On Christmas morning we were famous. We'd review each present like we were selling it. My sister mostly just laughed.
Now I'm running lists in my head after a long two days of shopping and wrapping. D's been at scuba and/or work non-stop so we haven't had much time together. He's passed out in bed. I'm sitting on the couch in only my robe and fleece hiking boots. I had to slip the boots on to go out to the porch and retrieve ground beef... I'm making chili tomorrow. Whereas last week I was numb, this week I am weepy.
I'm very close to my family, I've never lived more than an hour or so away from them. Not because I'm one of those people that CAN'T but because I just haven't. I went to college close because it was cost effective (and my dad had prostate cancer at the time, completely unrelated to the brain cancer btw). So I'm close to them, geographically and emotionally. They're a pretty huge part of my life.
I understand people who aren't close to their families, people have reasons for everything. But my family has been through a lot together, especially since Cat (my lil sis) has Down Syndrome. It really has brought us together in a really special way. We have dozens of Cat-isms, because she is the funniest out of all of us. Her sense of humor is so dead on... She's remarkable. Mama's the real glue though, she takes care of us all. She's the apple pie making, stern talking, hair stroking, medicine administrating, take-care-of-it-all mom. She stayed at home after Cat was born and she took that job seriously, she's amazing, and my hero.
Daddy and I are lucky to have them. We're the really difficult ones. In the past few years he's really grown to be the dad I always wanted as a little girl. Cat was always his favorite when we were little, it just seemed like things were evened out.
There have been times in the past two weeks where I've felt like the three of us (Mama, Daddy and me) were the only three people in the world. There would be moments in the ICU when a look would just pass between the three of us. We almost didn't need words.
We say we love each other so much more. I hate to hear that crack in my dad's voice that makes me so sensitive to his awareness. In some ways it would be so much easier if this were sudden. But it isn't, and I'm grateful for the time to hope, and to say goodbye if need be. But the potential dying and the actual sickness are such separate issues, and I don't know how to deal with either one.
I've heard lots of opinions on what I "should" be doing, or on the correctness of how I feel. I've thought on this a lot. I've had a lot of time alone in the last couple of days... Or at least it feels that way, since D's been gone so much... Experiencing death and sickness of a loved one is different for everyone. I'm angry right now, and that's fine. I may not be angry forever, or I might be, though I tend to think I won't. I don't want anyone's pity, I'm not asking for it. I'm not using my dad's sickness as an excuse for anything, he would kill me if he knew I was doing such a thing. I know this is going to be hard, but I refuse to let it paralyze me. There too many things to do.
I'm lucky to have BQ who is my constant. It's funny how we work extraneous issues out quickly in order to cope in a crisis. BQ is the best for that kind of thing, sometimes sushi, shopping and a down and dirty bitch session are what a girl needs to clear her head.{{I really needed that, thanks honey}} E keeps me laughing, and listens when I want to talk. He doesn't push me for information, and basically makes an effort to create a sense of normalcy. I've needed that. D... D is the salve to my wound. He lets me cry when I want to, and says it's ok. He doesn't complain that I usually end up crying at three a.m. when he really needs the sleep. He lets me be mean to him when I really am angry at God or Fate or whatever. He takes it, but doesn't let me take it too far. He calms me down then lets me cry more. He smiles at me from across the room and sits next to me on the couch. Some stuff slips, but he makes up for it by calling me in the middle of the day, no matter what to say "hey kitten" and check on what I want for dinner. He puts my puzzle pieces back together when they get a little jogged.
All in all I feel lucky.. I have a few people who love me and take care of me. I'd do the same for them in a heartbeat. I used to want a group of friends, like people have on T.V. I thought it was supposed to be like that. Now, I'm just glad it is the way it is. I can deal with this... And of course I have the blogosphere...
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