On Sunday evening D and I were having a little bit of a conversation about having turkey for Thanksgiving. He was joking around about how it's silly that my family has chicken instead. He was needling me about it, saying we should have turkey this year.

This caused me to break down in hysterical sobs. We have don't have turkey because my dad didn't like it. My mom just gave up and started making chicken. D couldn't have known that. He held me while I repeated over and over "How could he have been well last year, and now he's dead? How? How? How?" D held me stroking my hair. Then he said "Chicken is fine sweetie, don't worry about it." I sniffed and said "No, we can have turkey." He said "It doesn't really matter" and squeezed my hand.

I've been having a lot of these issues lately. My sister seems to actually believe that Daddy is coming back from the hospital. I think I'm having a rebound of grief. I feel all shaky inside. Yesterday morning I heard the door to the garage open downstairs. It was early and I was just waking up. For some reason I thought it was him. I don't know why, I know it's illogical, but something in me just thought; "That's Daddy."

I miss him so much. I miss talking to him. I miss that safe feeling that Daddy's home, and we're all safe. I only feel that way when I'm with D now, and I swear if I get one feminist comment I'll hate that person forever. My dad made me safe and so does my boyfriend. It's just starting to hit me that I'll never talk to him again, that I'm 24 and I'll never talk to my dad again. I thought I had more time. I didn't. While I made my peace with him before he went, there are just so many things I think of every day that he'd think would be funny or interesting. In my head I tell him. But I can't quite conjure his responses up anymore. The real him is getting hazy.

This is the feeling that makes me want to hide under the covers and not come out for a few days.

I've taken an Ativan, I hope this isn't too foggy. I had a little bit of a panic this evening.