I've spent a lot of today thinking about things. Not just D and I things, but things in general... Mostly about my life and where things are going, or rather where they seem to not be going. There are some things that I had hoped would be happening by now that don't seem to be. That has to get fixed. I've been sporadic about taking my meds and I can feel things getting more cloudy and confused. I have to try to work my time out a little better so that I'm being better about the commitments I've made to myself. I've been far too focused on what is going on with the men in my life. At this point if I don't start being a bit more selfish and take care of me more things are going to get ugly. I've been there before and I can feel the struggle. Not taking meds regularly doesn't help. I'm promising to myself to be hyper-vigilant about that. Things usually fall back into their place after that.
In reference to what happens next with D, I'm going to take a little break from blogging about him. My feelings are far too confusing and conflicting, I think I need to let them stew in my head for a bit. All those who have suggested leaving his sorry ass in the dust aren't completely wrong, thank you for your kindness. In any other situation that is the advice I would give any of you. But there is a lot more to what goes on with D and I than petty arguments and insanely gratifying sex. There is love, and deep friendship. There is safety and trust. There are things about him that make him the way that he is. But you are all right, I DO deserve better. But I REALLY don't want to be one of those people who is constantly breaking up and getting back together with someone. I gave him another chance at Easter, and I don't want to go back and forth any farther than that. So yes, I am going to take a mental break from him, here and otherwise. Thank you for all your support in this arena of my twisted, self-centered being.
In other news; I noticed today how hindering women are to other women. This isn't something that's a new idea to me, it just came up again today. BQ and I had M (from down the way) over again for dinner. We were sitting out in the courtyard having dinner and drinks when a few boys from one of the other places in my building came out. They were accompanied by some very Britney-esque looking girls (tan, blonde, fake nails, etc...) when one of the young men came over to talk to us immediately the Britney girls began making disgusted/annoyed looks at one another. Why, I wonder, was that necessary? We certainly weren't hitting on any of "their" men, or even paying much attention to them at all til he came over to say a drunken "hello". This baffles me. They wouldn't even say hi to us. Nor did we say hi to them, but at that point it seemed more on principle than anything...
I feel very tired now, it isn't just my body telling me its 2AM and time to sleep. Its months of trying to build a life for myself that seems to be crumbling a little at its edges. I'm giving myself a week to fix things up a bit, I know the things that need to be done. Then, if things aren't feeling better, I fully plan to make some drastic changes. I've realized that being in your twenties isn't much easier than being a teenager, in fact it may be harder. Learning to live on one's own is difficult at best. Sometimes I want to cry, and move back into my Mama's house and never leave. However, that wouldn't solve much. It just sounds really nice.
In reference to what happens next with D, I'm going to take a little break from blogging about him. My feelings are far too confusing and conflicting, I think I need to let them stew in my head for a bit. All those who have suggested leaving his sorry ass in the dust aren't completely wrong, thank you for your kindness. In any other situation that is the advice I would give any of you. But there is a lot more to what goes on with D and I than petty arguments and insanely gratifying sex. There is love, and deep friendship. There is safety and trust. There are things about him that make him the way that he is. But you are all right, I DO deserve better. But I REALLY don't want to be one of those people who is constantly breaking up and getting back together with someone. I gave him another chance at Easter, and I don't want to go back and forth any farther than that. So yes, I am going to take a mental break from him, here and otherwise. Thank you for all your support in this arena of my twisted, self-centered being.
In other news; I noticed today how hindering women are to other women. This isn't something that's a new idea to me, it just came up again today. BQ and I had M (from down the way) over again for dinner. We were sitting out in the courtyard having dinner and drinks when a few boys from one of the other places in my building came out. They were accompanied by some very Britney-esque looking girls (tan, blonde, fake nails, etc...) when one of the young men came over to talk to us immediately the Britney girls began making disgusted/annoyed looks at one another. Why, I wonder, was that necessary? We certainly weren't hitting on any of "their" men, or even paying much attention to them at all til he came over to say a drunken "hello". This baffles me. They wouldn't even say hi to us. Nor did we say hi to them, but at that point it seemed more on principle than anything...
I feel very tired now, it isn't just my body telling me its 2AM and time to sleep. Its months of trying to build a life for myself that seems to be crumbling a little at its edges. I'm giving myself a week to fix things up a bit, I know the things that need to be done. Then, if things aren't feeling better, I fully plan to make some drastic changes. I've realized that being in your twenties isn't much easier than being a teenager, in fact it may be harder. Learning to live on one's own is difficult at best. Sometimes I want to cry, and move back into my Mama's house and never leave. However, that wouldn't solve much. It just sounds really nice.
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