Ok, I've started this post about six different ways, I'm going to have to rewind to last night for any of this to make much sense...

D's parents are here, I'm not sure if I've mentioned this, but it is a HUGE deal for him. He finally has a nice place, and they don't take too many vacations. Its also significant because his brother is here as well. So last night I trekked up to his place for a cookout with the fam...

I arrived, we all drank a bunch and normal family-ish activities ensue. D's brother (who is just a smidge older than me) fell asleep soon after dinner, and his parents went back to their hotel.

D and I were left alone.

He cleaned up the rest of the dinner mess and I sat out on the porch contemplating the things that went on the last time I saw him. The whole evening it had been difficult to pretend that everything was alright with us, but it was easier since his parents were around. I was a little drunk and, of course, I started to get kind of sad. Which if you've been keeping up lately you know led to my crying, in the dark, by myself, on the porch. He came outside and I leaned on the railing away from him so he wouldn't see me. He started babbling a little about bringing me a beer... Then he noticed my unusual silence. He came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me tightly, gently pinning me to the balcony's railing. He pushed back my hair and brought his face next to mine. "You're crying" he said. "Yes." I replied. "Why?" he asked. "Because things can never be the same with us again" I choked. "Etoile?" his arms tensed. "I don't trust you anymore. I can't trust the things you say. I can't trust you to tell me the truth. Everything is different now. Would you give a starving man a loaf of bread, let him have a bite, then rip it away from him, telling him it was poisoned?" his whole body tensed harder and his hands were gripping my arms rather tightly. "I'm so sorry I hurt you" he said softly "Not just now, but always. I'm sorry. Let's go inside." So we went inside. Candles were lit in the living room. I sat down on the extreme opposite end of the couch from him. With strength he pulled me closer to him and slipped a hand under my chin, tenderly forcing me to look at his face. I saw something shift in his eyes, like he meant to say something practical then changed his mind. He breathed sharply and looked away for a second. When he looked back at my face there was such a moment. It was like we'd never kissed before. Things got a little carried away. Once he has his hands on me its almost impossible to tell him no. After, I panicked a little.

Me: "I have to go"

Him: "No you're drunk"

Me: "Staying here is worse"

Him: "You aren't going anywhere"

Me: "I am, I can't stay with you"

Him: "I need you to"

Me: "This wasn't supposed to happen"

Him: "So, what, you're going to leave me?"

Me: "Exactly"

Him: "Because of the trust thing?"

Me:"Right"

Him: "I don't get any time to sort this all out?"

Me: "Time? You've had almost two years. I think if you loved me you'd know by now. I think if you wanted to be with me you'd know by now."

Him: "I DO want be with you"

Me: "But you aren't"

Him: "You'll just leave me"

Me: "You mean when I'm done with school?"

Him: "Yes"

Me: "Honestly, that's weak, you don't have any clue WHAT I'd do for you apparently, I've just wasted two years waiting around for you to come to all these conclusions, it should seem obvious that I'd do a lot to be with you"

Him: "I see"

Me: "So, think hard, can you say it D? Can you say it?"

Him: "I love you"

Me: "You forgot the tiniest part."

Him: "What?"

Me: "The 'in'... I know you love me. Are you IN love with me?"

Him: "I don't know, this is all a lot for me. I don't let myself think about these things because I know we can't end up together in the end"

Me: "This is bullshit, I'm not waiting around anymore"

Him: "So you're leaving me, just like that? What about the rest of the week"

Me: "I made a commitment. I'm yours for the rest of the week. Then..."

Him: "As soon as my parents leave its just over?" A note of fear edged into his voice

Me: "I suppose so. I don't see any other way"

Him: "Can you please give me some time? Please? This is a lot for me to process"

Me: "Fine, I suppose a little while longer won't hurt"

Him: "How long?"

Me: "Til I can't stand it anymore. Could be a week or a month... Just know that by the time E gets home if you haven't decided I will decide for you. I'm not bringing him into this any further"

Him: "I understand"

Me: "Fine. I'm leaving now"

Him: "No, you aren't"

We danced around that for a few more minutes, then I finally left. His kisses felt a little desperate, and he looked haggard as he shut the door behind me. I'm having dinner with the family tonight and we're taking his brother out afterwards. It's interesting, because everyone but him seems to know what he wants. His brother and parents have stopped referring to me as simply his friend. There are constant inferences that we are, and will be together. I made a sarcastic comment to C (D's brother) and was responded to with a playful pillow thrown at my head and the exclamation; "You're going to do this to me for the rest of my life, aren't you?"

I meant what I said, I will leave him in August. He has very little time left. I've been doing so much better, and I don't need him and E teetering my very teeter-able balance because of testosterone driven competition. Its going to go one way or another, or no way at all. The clock is ticking, and time is running away. I finally see the end on the horizon, and at this point I don't much care about the outcome, only that it gets here.

And for those who inquired; I did want to laugh in his face in response to the wholly stupid "you're gonna leave in a year, though" theory. It is completely and utterly ridiculous.

Sorry for the length, if you've made it here you can have a cookie. See, they're chocolate chip, you like chocolate chip. What? You don't like chocolate chip? What the hell is wrong with you? I can't please everyone you know..... Perhaps a slice of pie? No? Oh, fuck it...