It all started one night last week...

We were on the couch, I was having a peach martini, he was having a glass of whiskey. He was sort of stroking my thigh, which was draped across his lap. He leaned towards me and kissed my last sip of my martini off my lips. He took the glass from me and set it on the coffee table. Then he kissed me again, softly, gently. Then he looked into my eyes and said,

"I think it might be important for me to have biological children."

I was shocked. Not that he'd want to, but that this wasn't what we'd discussed. We'd discussed adoption. I thought we'd covered it. My first reaction was anger. Then tears. Then we had sex three times to take my mind off the crying.

Unfortunately, we couldn't keep having sex all the time. I had to think about it sometime. I did. I thought about it, and I thought about it. I was angry at him for wanting something from me that he knew I might not be able to give. I was angry at myself for feeling like I couldn't. After all, my uterus isn't broken, my brain chemistry is. I spent over twenty-four hours being pissed off at both of us, scared that this, after all we've been through is what could end us. Kids are a deal breaker.

So I pulled out all the books I have on my disease. I searched all the indexes for "pregnancy." What I found wasn't encouraging. So I scoured the internet for hours. Still, not encouraging. There didn't seem to be a way for me to have a baby and be medicated at the same time (my drugs cause serious birth defects)....

I was up 'til after five in the morning. Still nothing. So I called my gynecologist. It seemed like the right thing to do, but she wasn't very helpful. Then I talked to my therapist, who was much more helpful. She told me that if I wanted to be pregnant that I'd do just fine without my meds for a period of time. That was a relief. What wasn't was the question she asked next; did I want to have kids?

My first reaction was fear... What if I kill it somehow? There's a million ways for a baby to just, expire... What if I make some kind of horrible mistake? Then I realized that was probably bullshit, but it wouldn't stop me from being the most terrible mother EVER. Then I thought about other people's mothers, and I know I can't be worse than some of them. After that I just sat and thought. I was at school in the park area in the middle of campus. A girl who looked just a little older than me was playing with a little girl and a dog not far away. Not unusual, lots of people on my campus have kids. Plus, it's a pretty place to hang out, it's surprisingly peaceful for being located in the middle of the city. The little girl hugged her mom and I smiled at them. I'd like for somebody to hug me like that some day. It made me nervous, but I knew.

I went home and hung around. I did some homework, and some dishes. I tried to convince Arwen to take her nap in the bedroom with the air conditioning instead of in the living room with me. Didn't work, but she's a cat. I watched TV. I was watching "Paris When it Sizzles" at eleven when he called. I almost didn't want to answer. I didn't want to hear how happy he'd be that I'd changed my mind. Somehow, I didn't want this decision to decide how much he loved me. I don't know if that makes sense...

But I answered.

I'd like to say that he said he'd love me and be with me no matter what I decided. That's not what he said. He said he loves me no matter what, but having biological children might be important enough to him to not be together. He said he didn't know. I said it was lucky for both of us that it might be important to me too. He laughed and we were both so relieved.

Tomorrow I'll tell you about how life isn't like it is in the movies... I've been thinking about that a lot lately...