Lately I've been having these dreams about The Ex. They are so disturbing that I've woken up in a cold sweat, panicking beyond what I thought was normal. In the dreams he exposes my deepest fears about myself and points out the validity in them. This, of course is what he did all the time in real life, so its not so strange that I'm dreaming about it now. The dreams start out the same, he is very kind to me, then he begins, telling me about how I've failed over and over, and that no one could love me, and if they could love me, they are worthless. Last night the girl he cheated on me with was in the dream, I kept trying to ask her to leave but she wouldn't.
This girl is the girl (in essence) that I've always been afraid of, because she is exactly the opposite of what I've always been. These are the girls that seem to be attractive to so many men my age, the way I can never be. They are tiny, for one thing. With tiny, feminine bones and flat chests they resemble little girls in a way. Their hair is long and they are fussy about their looks. Fussier, than even I could possibly manage to be. Throughout the last year I've given up on a lot of my insecurities concerning my looks. There is an upside to all of it I figure: nobody else looks like me. But when one of "these" girls is around I suddenly find myself swimming in a pool of irrational, jealous insecurity. Its maddening. Individually, I have nothing against women who look this way. We are all different, I'm not one of those women who "hates" other women for how they look... Though I've probably made more than my share of "have a cookie" comments. I don't really hate them, I just hate the way I can never ever be them. Ahh... I digress...
The dream...
The dreams disturb me so much because I'm afraid, I'm afraid that no one will ever love me, because of these faults. The voice inside my head telling me these things is a voice I've heard since I was fifteen, telling me that I'm too loud, that my hair isn't long enough, that I act like a slut, that I'm not very smart, that I am a spoiled brat. That I am wrong inside. This is what scares me the most, that there is something fundamentally wrong with me, that makes me so difficult to love that no one will ever be able to fully. Not just men in romantic ways, but that I will eventually drive everyone off because of these faults, because of my selfishness and narcissism... Because underneath it all I am a bitch, and not the kind we all like to be friends with. But the kinds who annoys us, and makes us want to wring her neck.
I am terrified, and it feels good. It feels good because it is long overdue, some of my faults are things I can change. Some of the things I am insecure about are things that I've let stagnate for too long... The fear motivates me, not to make myself "perfect", but to try to change the way I am to make myself comfortable. I just want to be comfortable with myself. I can't see anything wrong with that.
This girl is the girl (in essence) that I've always been afraid of, because she is exactly the opposite of what I've always been. These are the girls that seem to be attractive to so many men my age, the way I can never be. They are tiny, for one thing. With tiny, feminine bones and flat chests they resemble little girls in a way. Their hair is long and they are fussy about their looks. Fussier, than even I could possibly manage to be. Throughout the last year I've given up on a lot of my insecurities concerning my looks. There is an upside to all of it I figure: nobody else looks like me. But when one of "these" girls is around I suddenly find myself swimming in a pool of irrational, jealous insecurity. Its maddening. Individually, I have nothing against women who look this way. We are all different, I'm not one of those women who "hates" other women for how they look... Though I've probably made more than my share of "have a cookie" comments. I don't really hate them, I just hate the way I can never ever be them. Ahh... I digress...
The dream...
The dreams disturb me so much because I'm afraid, I'm afraid that no one will ever love me, because of these faults. The voice inside my head telling me these things is a voice I've heard since I was fifteen, telling me that I'm too loud, that my hair isn't long enough, that I act like a slut, that I'm not very smart, that I am a spoiled brat. That I am wrong inside. This is what scares me the most, that there is something fundamentally wrong with me, that makes me so difficult to love that no one will ever be able to fully. Not just men in romantic ways, but that I will eventually drive everyone off because of these faults, because of my selfishness and narcissism... Because underneath it all I am a bitch, and not the kind we all like to be friends with. But the kinds who annoys us, and makes us want to wring her neck.
I am terrified, and it feels good. It feels good because it is long overdue, some of my faults are things I can change. Some of the things I am insecure about are things that I've let stagnate for too long... The fear motivates me, not to make myself "perfect", but to try to change the way I am to make myself comfortable. I just want to be comfortable with myself. I can't see anything wrong with that.
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