I have this funny feeling in the pit of my stomach...
I got home yesterday after class, looked around, sat down, and thought "this isn't home anymore." This issue of homelessness just keeps coming up. I'm nervous to move in with D, the threat of being happy always scares me a bunch.
I've always had this problem, where I live my life at least two months in the future. The everyday things fall by the wayside that way. I've never had the sense to realize that nothing can be better in two months if I let all the now things get away from me. I don't have to think about what's going to happen at the end of the summer. I need to think about what's going to happen TODAY.
Today is always the hardest day for me.
The smallest decisions are the most difficult to make. I get paralyzed in the small stuff. It doesn't help that I've been having a pretty tough time staying on my meds. That's the worst thing I could do to myself. The loss of structure between the end of school and the start of my summer class has thrown me off. I'm hoping that the next five weeks will prove to be helpful in getting me back on track.
Now... My job for today is to make a gynecologist appointment (which I'm sure all the girls out there know why I've been avoiding), work out, return a library book and clean up the mess that is the kitchen sink. Not so hard. But these are the things that scare the crap out of me.
I got home yesterday after class, looked around, sat down, and thought "this isn't home anymore." This issue of homelessness just keeps coming up. I'm nervous to move in with D, the threat of being happy always scares me a bunch.
I've always had this problem, where I live my life at least two months in the future. The everyday things fall by the wayside that way. I've never had the sense to realize that nothing can be better in two months if I let all the now things get away from me. I don't have to think about what's going to happen at the end of the summer. I need to think about what's going to happen TODAY.
Today is always the hardest day for me.
The smallest decisions are the most difficult to make. I get paralyzed in the small stuff. It doesn't help that I've been having a pretty tough time staying on my meds. That's the worst thing I could do to myself. The loss of structure between the end of school and the start of my summer class has thrown me off. I'm hoping that the next five weeks will prove to be helpful in getting me back on track.
Now... My job for today is to make a gynecologist appointment (which I'm sure all the girls out there know why I've been avoiding), work out, return a library book and clean up the mess that is the kitchen sink. Not so hard. But these are the things that scare the crap out of me.
3 Comments:
I cant get my head around why you think moving in together is going to be a good idea when you don't get on most of the time living separately.. I'd be careful if you think that your problems are only because you live apart
i know how u feel...the future is scary, but we can only be in one place at one time, so yeah. try not to cause yourself too much grief. easier said then done hey?
"Me"... Where did you come from? You're blog is sexy and smart. You made me want to use the word "foxy" in a sentence.
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