When I was growing up we didn't have cable television. I watched a lot of Disney movies. When we finally did get cable it was when I was thirteen. Then my mother didn't let me watch most cable channels, we only got it because we moved to Colorado, where if you don't have cable you can't watch ANY TV. I watched a lot of AMC (American Movie Classics, for those of you who don't know) so I spent a lot of time watching old movies. A lot of my ideas about love and marriage were built on a fairy tale ideal. Boy meets girl. They fall in love. They get married. There's a big kiss at the end, and a happy ending. I had this idea that marriage is easy, that it should be easy. I had an idea that love is ALL you need (my favorite band was the Beatles until I was twelve).
That's a load of shit.
Love is NOT all you need. Love is a strong component, and of course is very important. But if all you have is love there's going to be some serious problems in the long run. Things like honesty, similar values, respect and friendship are also incredibly important.
I don't know very many people whose parents are still married. Mine are, but I know that it's been a struggle. D's parents are still married, and I know it's been a struggle for them too. In fact of the people that I know who have been married for more than twenty years, it's been a struggle for all of them.
When did we get this idea that love and marriage were going to be easy?
Maybe that's why so many people end up divorced, they thought that marriage was going to be easy. Surely I don't know, I've never been married. But I am very in love, and even I know that what he and I feel right now isn't enough to last for more than twenty years, not just that love alone.
What will support that love is our friendship, the thing we've had all along, aside from most of the shitty romantic past that we've had. I spent some time this afternoon reading back through my posts about how awfully we used to treat each other. From an outside vantage I can see where he comes off as an asshole. Frankly, sometimes he can be. I can also be a manipulative bitch, but I'm not going to write about that here, why would I? I don't piss myself off when I'm a bitch, well not often anyway. You would find that rant on his blog, if he had one. This has been my place to vent, and I know that he doesn't always come off well. I'm not sure how much I care either, my blog isn't about painting an accurate picture of my life.
What I also know is that D is one of the best friends I've EVER had. He's seen me at my absolute worst. He's stood by me when I was manic and said some of the most awful things that I've ever said to anyone. I've seen him cry because he was so worried that I'd hurt myself. He took me to meet his parents long before he was sure that we should be together, something he's never done with anyone else, ever. I've watched him grow as much as I have over the past three years. He's asked my forgiveness for the times that he hurt me, and never asked for me to apologize for the times I've hurt him.
When he told me that it might be important for him to have biological children I wasn't thrilled. Not because I don't want them myself, but because I was sure that I couldn't do it. Never-the-less, I wasn't angry so much at him, but at the situation. Everyone has a right to want what they want concerning children. Many men are invested in having their own children, it isn't uncommon. Truthfully, I wasn't at all surprised that he was one of them. I'd suspected it for a long time. I just wasn't sure that was something that was safe for me.
I've spent a lot of time trying to come back from the edge that I was perched on three years ago in Boulder. I finally have a life almost free of mania. Being off my medication for a minimum of a year worries me. I was told by my first psychiatrist that it was a horrible idea. Since then, since last week, I talked to my doctors now. I didn't do it because D asked me to, he didn't. All he asked me was to think about it, to figure out what I want. What I found is that I want to have a child. Not this week, not this year, not even in the first year that we are married (which is still a long way off) but when we're both ready.
The conversation that followed that huge sigh of relief between us was about conditions and love. It was about having the chance to have a baby when we're both ready, because it's going to take a lot of planning. He reiterated something to me that he'd told me not long ago, that if it doesn't work out we're not going to be divorced, that we'll try adoption then. He just didn't want to get into the next step of our relationship without talking about having the chance first. It was about how much we love each other, and how much we'd like to have a baby that we both contributed to.
If I had come to another conclusion about this whole baby thing then we might not have chosen to stay together. I wouldn't want to be with someone who that was important to. I don't want to be keeping someone from doing something as important as that. I believe that in a relationship that is moving towards something as serious as marriage that there are fundamental things that people have to agree upon. They should agree on what they want to do about having children, they should agree about how to handle money (so that nobody gets shafted if things don't work out), they should agree on some fundamental basics about religion (like if I'm Christian and he's Jewish we're both ok with whatever the other believes). I don't think those are such hard conversations to have, yet somehow people forget to have them. I also think that if opinions change people should feel safe telling each other about them.
The kid-talk threw me, but I'm happy I found out the things I did. I'd never talked about my feelings about having kids in therapy, I found out some pretty profound stuff. I'd dismissed the issue a long time ago. I'm glad I got the chance to re-explore it, and I'm glad that my views coincide so well with his. But if they hadn't I would have said so.
More than any of this (and I'm sorry it took me so long to get here) I'm so happy that he told me about this. I'm happy that when he discovered that he might not be satisfied without trying to have biological children that he told me. Not just because it's such an important thing, but because I believe that it shows a lot of respect for me and my feelings, not him being hurtful. He was nothing but kind when he told me about his feelings. He was very clear about how much he loves me.
I don't doubt that he loves me, or that if and when we decide to get married that it will be great. I know this because we're learning so much about each other now. When I get married I'm going to have as much information as I can, whether it's him or someone else.
End rant.
That's a load of shit.
Love is NOT all you need. Love is a strong component, and of course is very important. But if all you have is love there's going to be some serious problems in the long run. Things like honesty, similar values, respect and friendship are also incredibly important.
I don't know very many people whose parents are still married. Mine are, but I know that it's been a struggle. D's parents are still married, and I know it's been a struggle for them too. In fact of the people that I know who have been married for more than twenty years, it's been a struggle for all of them.
When did we get this idea that love and marriage were going to be easy?
Maybe that's why so many people end up divorced, they thought that marriage was going to be easy. Surely I don't know, I've never been married. But I am very in love, and even I know that what he and I feel right now isn't enough to last for more than twenty years, not just that love alone.
What will support that love is our friendship, the thing we've had all along, aside from most of the shitty romantic past that we've had. I spent some time this afternoon reading back through my posts about how awfully we used to treat each other. From an outside vantage I can see where he comes off as an asshole. Frankly, sometimes he can be. I can also be a manipulative bitch, but I'm not going to write about that here, why would I? I don't piss myself off when I'm a bitch, well not often anyway. You would find that rant on his blog, if he had one. This has been my place to vent, and I know that he doesn't always come off well. I'm not sure how much I care either, my blog isn't about painting an accurate picture of my life.
What I also know is that D is one of the best friends I've EVER had. He's seen me at my absolute worst. He's stood by me when I was manic and said some of the most awful things that I've ever said to anyone. I've seen him cry because he was so worried that I'd hurt myself. He took me to meet his parents long before he was sure that we should be together, something he's never done with anyone else, ever. I've watched him grow as much as I have over the past three years. He's asked my forgiveness for the times that he hurt me, and never asked for me to apologize for the times I've hurt him.
When he told me that it might be important for him to have biological children I wasn't thrilled. Not because I don't want them myself, but because I was sure that I couldn't do it. Never-the-less, I wasn't angry so much at him, but at the situation. Everyone has a right to want what they want concerning children. Many men are invested in having their own children, it isn't uncommon. Truthfully, I wasn't at all surprised that he was one of them. I'd suspected it for a long time. I just wasn't sure that was something that was safe for me.
I've spent a lot of time trying to come back from the edge that I was perched on three years ago in Boulder. I finally have a life almost free of mania. Being off my medication for a minimum of a year worries me. I was told by my first psychiatrist that it was a horrible idea. Since then, since last week, I talked to my doctors now. I didn't do it because D asked me to, he didn't. All he asked me was to think about it, to figure out what I want. What I found is that I want to have a child. Not this week, not this year, not even in the first year that we are married (which is still a long way off) but when we're both ready.
The conversation that followed that huge sigh of relief between us was about conditions and love. It was about having the chance to have a baby when we're both ready, because it's going to take a lot of planning. He reiterated something to me that he'd told me not long ago, that if it doesn't work out we're not going to be divorced, that we'll try adoption then. He just didn't want to get into the next step of our relationship without talking about having the chance first. It was about how much we love each other, and how much we'd like to have a baby that we both contributed to.
If I had come to another conclusion about this whole baby thing then we might not have chosen to stay together. I wouldn't want to be with someone who that was important to. I don't want to be keeping someone from doing something as important as that. I believe that in a relationship that is moving towards something as serious as marriage that there are fundamental things that people have to agree upon. They should agree on what they want to do about having children, they should agree about how to handle money (so that nobody gets shafted if things don't work out), they should agree on some fundamental basics about religion (like if I'm Christian and he's Jewish we're both ok with whatever the other believes). I don't think those are such hard conversations to have, yet somehow people forget to have them. I also think that if opinions change people should feel safe telling each other about them.
The kid-talk threw me, but I'm happy I found out the things I did. I'd never talked about my feelings about having kids in therapy, I found out some pretty profound stuff. I'd dismissed the issue a long time ago. I'm glad I got the chance to re-explore it, and I'm glad that my views coincide so well with his. But if they hadn't I would have said so.
More than any of this (and I'm sorry it took me so long to get here) I'm so happy that he told me about this. I'm happy that when he discovered that he might not be satisfied without trying to have biological children that he told me. Not just because it's such an important thing, but because I believe that it shows a lot of respect for me and my feelings, not him being hurtful. He was nothing but kind when he told me about his feelings. He was very clear about how much he loves me.
I don't doubt that he loves me, or that if and when we decide to get married that it will be great. I know this because we're learning so much about each other now. When I get married I'm going to have as much information as I can, whether it's him or someone else.
End rant.
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