I'm so frustrated right now.
D and I just drove to Boulder to take care of some administrative stuff for his deferred enrollment. Boulder still makes me want to throw up. Then it hit me, I'm about to agree to live there again next year... And I'll have a real job instead of going to grad school... And I'll be almost two hours away from my parents... This is going to be terrible.
The first time around in Boulder was such a rotten experience, the feelings I get from the place are just sickening. There's also the bitter disappointment of knowing that I can't go to grad school next year. Add it all together and I really just want to stay in Denver. But D is set on going, and I know that if I'm living here, and he's living there, we're going to have an even more difficult time. I'm really tired of everything being difficult. Next year is going to be difficult enough, with a new job, and the potential that my dad is going to die. I just don't think I can take much more.
I'm just at this point where everything seems useless. Things are starting to rip at the seams and it troubles me more every day. I just see everything that I've built for myself decaying slowly. I've tried to build it up in my head, telling myself; "It'll be good to go back to Boulder and face all the bad stuff"... But I really don't think that's the case, at least not right now. The thing is that it's just so superficial there, and I can't get over it. I feel like without school to anchor me I'll just get lost. I'm already lost enough.
I just don't have the energy for all this. Maybe a year ago, but not now. I know that part of what's happening is that I'm resisting change. When I moved to Denver, everything go SO much better. I started to feel like a whole person again. That's something that living in Boulder just ripped out of me, and left me gaping open, exposed and raw. I never felt for one moment that I belonged there, I was simply trying new hats on. I do feel like I belong here, in my neighborhood, in this place in my life.
I don't want to lose D. Neither one of us does well on the phone. He doesn't return calls promptly, and never wants to talk. I get snippy and bitchy and then we argue. The hour between Denver and Boulder seems like eternity. Which isn't good. For all it's worth, I think it'll just cause more problems than I'm willing to deal with. If we go our separate ways I think I'll break it off. I can't do that kind of hard.
D and I just drove to Boulder to take care of some administrative stuff for his deferred enrollment. Boulder still makes me want to throw up. Then it hit me, I'm about to agree to live there again next year... And I'll have a real job instead of going to grad school... And I'll be almost two hours away from my parents... This is going to be terrible.
The first time around in Boulder was such a rotten experience, the feelings I get from the place are just sickening. There's also the bitter disappointment of knowing that I can't go to grad school next year. Add it all together and I really just want to stay in Denver. But D is set on going, and I know that if I'm living here, and he's living there, we're going to have an even more difficult time. I'm really tired of everything being difficult. Next year is going to be difficult enough, with a new job, and the potential that my dad is going to die. I just don't think I can take much more.
I'm just at this point where everything seems useless. Things are starting to rip at the seams and it troubles me more every day. I just see everything that I've built for myself decaying slowly. I've tried to build it up in my head, telling myself; "It'll be good to go back to Boulder and face all the bad stuff"... But I really don't think that's the case, at least not right now. The thing is that it's just so superficial there, and I can't get over it. I feel like without school to anchor me I'll just get lost. I'm already lost enough.
I just don't have the energy for all this. Maybe a year ago, but not now. I know that part of what's happening is that I'm resisting change. When I moved to Denver, everything go SO much better. I started to feel like a whole person again. That's something that living in Boulder just ripped out of me, and left me gaping open, exposed and raw. I never felt for one moment that I belonged there, I was simply trying new hats on. I do feel like I belong here, in my neighborhood, in this place in my life.
I don't want to lose D. Neither one of us does well on the phone. He doesn't return calls promptly, and never wants to talk. I get snippy and bitchy and then we argue. The hour between Denver and Boulder seems like eternity. Which isn't good. For all it's worth, I think it'll just cause more problems than I'm willing to deal with. If we go our separate ways I think I'll break it off. I can't do that kind of hard.
2 Comments:
I know that distance/phone problem only TOO well!
Why doesn't D get a job in Denver instead?
It's not a job that's moving us to Boulder. He's still finishing school... Which is in Boulder.
Incidentally, I'm feeling much better about things today... Calmer at least.
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