Oh honestly...I already HAVE enough character.
My grandmother died earlier today. It isn't as if we weren't expecting it. We were, very much... Yet when I answered the phone, and in a very calm voice asked my choked up mother "Is Grandma dead?" I almost laughed. Not because I think it's funny, or because I don't care, but because I just felt weirdly ok. Is it ok for death to feel ok? Is it wrong not to be that upset, but to think "I'll wear that chunky cocktail ring to the funeral, that's what Grandma would have done" I don't know... Maybe that's just who I am now.
Or maybe it has something to do with the fact that watching my dad deteriorate is so upsetting. In some ways I just wish it was over, not that he would die, but just that we could resolve it in some way. The slight chance that he might survive hovers above us all, creating a stress that is hard to bear from day to day. Seeing him say strange things and behave in such ways that are so uncharacteristic to him is just exhausting. I don't know how Mama continues to get up every day. No, that's not true, I do know. If it was D I'd do it, I'd do anything to try to make him well again. It's such a raw display of love it's almost too difficult to watch sometimes. That's what evokes feeling from me, not my grandmother dying. At least she might have some peace now.
Also, for those who might wonder, the vegetable soup isn't quite done yet. We'll be having it for dinner tomorrow night. There's plenty if you're in the neighborhood, that includes you Grandma.
My grandmother died earlier today. It isn't as if we weren't expecting it. We were, very much... Yet when I answered the phone, and in a very calm voice asked my choked up mother "Is Grandma dead?" I almost laughed. Not because I think it's funny, or because I don't care, but because I just felt weirdly ok. Is it ok for death to feel ok? Is it wrong not to be that upset, but to think "I'll wear that chunky cocktail ring to the funeral, that's what Grandma would have done" I don't know... Maybe that's just who I am now.
Or maybe it has something to do with the fact that watching my dad deteriorate is so upsetting. In some ways I just wish it was over, not that he would die, but just that we could resolve it in some way. The slight chance that he might survive hovers above us all, creating a stress that is hard to bear from day to day. Seeing him say strange things and behave in such ways that are so uncharacteristic to him is just exhausting. I don't know how Mama continues to get up every day. No, that's not true, I do know. If it was D I'd do it, I'd do anything to try to make him well again. It's such a raw display of love it's almost too difficult to watch sometimes. That's what evokes feeling from me, not my grandmother dying. At least she might have some peace now.
Also, for those who might wonder, the vegetable soup isn't quite done yet. We'll be having it for dinner tomorrow night. There's plenty if you're in the neighborhood, that includes you Grandma.
2 Comments:
Yes it is most definately ok to be ok with death. I got choked up for about 10 mins when my grandad died - only because I felt sad that I'd never see him again AND because I was pleased that the last time I spent with him was sitting on his bed reading the newspaper to him. I knew when I left he'd not last the night but I said 'see you later' anyway.
I felt happy that he'd died because he wasn't suffering anymore and he was ready to go. Or in his words 'I've had a good life and Im just ready to bugger off now..Im fed up with this crap'
I agree with ML. If you think about your own death, you want to be missed but you don't want your family to be overcome with grief, right?
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