It is one A.M. and I feel so tired that I actually can't sleep. I forced myself to go to bed because D has to get up really early, and I was so tired feeling, but I just can't seem to make my mind rest. I have so much homework right now that I just keep running it through my brain. I'm so scared of showing up one day with all the wrong things done. Today was not a very relaxing day.
It seems like such a great thing to have Fridays off... "Nothing to do on Fridays" is what I always think, but that's rarely the way things work out. Today I had to go have allergy testing so they can give me allergy shots this year. The office was down in parents' neck of the woods so I hung out with my Mama and Daddy for most of the day. I wish it was relaxing to go there.
It isn't. He's so sick, and he's losing his hair. He's depressed and so tired. He is so cold all the time that he wears his winter coat in the house. Mama turns the heat up, but he's never warm. It's so emotionally draining to go there. Every time I've been there I've had anxiety attacks for the last month. Mama asked me today if it's them that makes me nervous. I lied and said no, that I'd just had too much coffee.
It's hard to come home, and act like everything's normal. It's hard to come back here and try to plan a fun weekend. I'm hosting Girls Night tomorrow and I wish I was more excited for it right now. I just feel sick to my stomach though. It'll feel good to have my girlfriends with me tomorrow, I know that, but right now I just can't seem to get excited.
I feel so cut off. I feel numb so much of the time. The rest of the time I just feel sad. D and I are getting along so much better this week, but I feel like it might be because I stopped caring enough to fight. The family picture that we took at Thanksgiving in Indiana is tacked to my desk and it makes me so sad. We're all so happy, because we don't know. We dont' know that everything is about to change, and we're all smiling so big. I keep looking at Daddy's head thinking; "They're in there, they're in there making him sick and we don't know it. Why don't we know it? Why didn't we know sooner? Why couldn't we have known before it was too late?" Sadly, there's this part of me that wants to just take the picture down. My dad looks normal, he's smiling. He's smiling because he doesn't know.
It seems like such a great thing to have Fridays off... "Nothing to do on Fridays" is what I always think, but that's rarely the way things work out. Today I had to go have allergy testing so they can give me allergy shots this year. The office was down in parents' neck of the woods so I hung out with my Mama and Daddy for most of the day. I wish it was relaxing to go there.
It isn't. He's so sick, and he's losing his hair. He's depressed and so tired. He is so cold all the time that he wears his winter coat in the house. Mama turns the heat up, but he's never warm. It's so emotionally draining to go there. Every time I've been there I've had anxiety attacks for the last month. Mama asked me today if it's them that makes me nervous. I lied and said no, that I'd just had too much coffee.
It's hard to come home, and act like everything's normal. It's hard to come back here and try to plan a fun weekend. I'm hosting Girls Night tomorrow and I wish I was more excited for it right now. I just feel sick to my stomach though. It'll feel good to have my girlfriends with me tomorrow, I know that, but right now I just can't seem to get excited.
I feel so cut off. I feel numb so much of the time. The rest of the time I just feel sad. D and I are getting along so much better this week, but I feel like it might be because I stopped caring enough to fight. The family picture that we took at Thanksgiving in Indiana is tacked to my desk and it makes me so sad. We're all so happy, because we don't know. We dont' know that everything is about to change, and we're all smiling so big. I keep looking at Daddy's head thinking; "They're in there, they're in there making him sick and we don't know it. Why don't we know it? Why didn't we know sooner? Why couldn't we have known before it was too late?" Sadly, there's this part of me that wants to just take the picture down. My dad looks normal, he's smiling. He's smiling because he doesn't know.
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