"That my dear, is an ugly statement"
I do not feel good about myself.
Most days I'm clear about my fabulous-ness, to the point of narcissism. Today is not one of those days. Certain situations have been building up inside my head, and then eroding away at my self-esteem. I feel a sense of disgust and failure.
I sat next to a beautiful girl today who reminds me of Katharine Ross. I don't usually envy other women's beauty. I admire it. Today I was very, very envious. Suddenly, every woman around me seemed thin, and I seemed horridly, obesely fat. Which of course I am not. Nevertheless, that's how it felt.
I have lots of days where I feel fat. I have, in fact, gained weight. This year even. I seldom doubt that I am pretty. Today I doubted. I passed mirrors and wanted to cry.
This is something that I'm extremely embarrassed to admit, but I'm certain D doesn't find me attractive. It's sunk in so deep in my heart I can feel it stick. At 23, my boyfriend should still want to bang the hell out of me, right? He doesn't. He turns me down for sex all over the place, unless I want to give him a BJ. I've started feeling a little desperate. Like I'm some kind of lecherous freak because I want to have sex two or three times a week. Most guys would like this right?
I know what people would say, they'd say, "maybe he's stressed out" or "maybe he doesn't feel good about himself"... I'm not so sure those things are true. Doug is confident, almost to the point of arrogance, and he's no more stressed than usual. I'm fairly sure it's me.
Of course, there is the possibility that isn't true and I'm just being sensitive because "I'm stressed out" and "I don't feel good about myself"... Who knows? I just know that this is a shitty place to be, and I'm pretty flippin' sick of it.
Ugh... I just feel so ugly.
I do not feel good about myself.
Most days I'm clear about my fabulous-ness, to the point of narcissism. Today is not one of those days. Certain situations have been building up inside my head, and then eroding away at my self-esteem. I feel a sense of disgust and failure.
I sat next to a beautiful girl today who reminds me of Katharine Ross. I don't usually envy other women's beauty. I admire it. Today I was very, very envious. Suddenly, every woman around me seemed thin, and I seemed horridly, obesely fat. Which of course I am not. Nevertheless, that's how it felt.
I have lots of days where I feel fat. I have, in fact, gained weight. This year even. I seldom doubt that I am pretty. Today I doubted. I passed mirrors and wanted to cry.
This is something that I'm extremely embarrassed to admit, but I'm certain D doesn't find me attractive. It's sunk in so deep in my heart I can feel it stick. At 23, my boyfriend should still want to bang the hell out of me, right? He doesn't. He turns me down for sex all over the place, unless I want to give him a BJ. I've started feeling a little desperate. Like I'm some kind of lecherous freak because I want to have sex two or three times a week. Most guys would like this right?
I know what people would say, they'd say, "maybe he's stressed out" or "maybe he doesn't feel good about himself"... I'm not so sure those things are true. Doug is confident, almost to the point of arrogance, and he's no more stressed than usual. I'm fairly sure it's me.
Of course, there is the possibility that isn't true and I'm just being sensitive because "I'm stressed out" and "I don't feel good about myself"... Who knows? I just know that this is a shitty place to be, and I'm pretty flippin' sick of it.
Ugh... I just feel so ugly.
4 Comments:
I doubt its that he doesn't find you attractive - I think it may be that he finds you 'whenever he wants to'. Men like a bit of a chase and if he can shag you whenever he wants theres no challenge. Its happened for both parties whenever I've lived with someone. Start being more elusive for 2 or 3 weeks and if theres nothing else fundamentally wrong with him he'll be gagging for it. (If you pressure for it, he'll withdraw even further, thats a ML guarantee!)
How do I "be elusive" when we live in the same place? I'm not being snarky (though I am in a snarky mood this morning so I fear sounding that way)... Should I just refuse him sex whenever he wants it?
Good advise on the pressuring, I DID get a bit whiny last night and he freaked out. Thank you, I love you.
i dont think it is he doesnt find u attractive. but i dont know about the whole be elusive thing, either.
try asking him point blank about it. if he "doesn't know", that's okay, but at least you have opened up communication about it. if he doesnt want to communicate back with you, thats his problem. at least you'd've done your part.
Ok.. maybe elusive was the wrong word to use, maybe 'coy' is a better term. Have you ever had someone fancy you but you don't like them so you avoid their advances etc yet the more you avoid the more they come on? Its your unattainability which keeps them coming. When you live with someone everything is 'on tap' and when you know you can have it anytime sometimes you just dont want it.
On another point - I read a book some time ago called 'Kosher Sex' its written by a Rabbai and contained some good advice about masturbating. His point was that if men masturbate in periods between sexual intercourse they are letting off the pressure they would otherwise have built up had they not masterbated. If D is 'letting off his pressure' then you could be suffering the consequences!
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