I feel the pushing and hurting of things changing. It scares me. It tires me. Hard work is so hard. What will I do? How will I change? How can there be so many questions at once. When I bury my head in my pillow, in his chest, in the cat's fur I try not to see. I try to just be, and it isn't ever easy. Each moment is so wretching. Whether it feels good or it hurts I can almost physically feel the sharp edges of life. Oh clarity, how I value thee. I adore/abhor every moment that is so hard, yet so much more real than it used to be.

Let me sleep tonight, let me sleep and not dream. Give me one night without thoughts. Give me one day of concentration. Simply let me find the good places and stay away from the bad. Just for a little while.

Let rest in.

I'm going to Oregon next week, after the test. I'll be so, so glad to get away from all of it. Perhaps there I can bury my head in the sand. I am going to sleep for that entire trip.