All the thoughts...
I'm not angry. Just tired. Let's be clear about that up front.
Things are going so well and I love that. But I am tired of carrying all this weight around with me. I find that each day I wake up a little bit more exhausted. I've crawled in bed and there's part of me that doesn't intend to crawl out.
Who knows me anymore? Do I know me? Do I want to know me?
This girl, this woman, when I look at her I don't know her. She's different on the outside, and the inside's not the same anymore either. Will I recognize her when I drop the weight I'm carrying around with me?
Where has my father gone? I wonder when I'll figure that one out. I feel this clench in my chest every single time I think about it. Then I gently pry it off my heart and shove it somewhere deep inside. I know that can't be good, but I just can't cry every night. Physically, he's in the garage.
I still want to run away, I just want to do it in a nice structured way so it doesn't make me nervous. Is there any such thing as safe?
My mother asked me to change the cats' litter box three days ago. It doesn't smell. They haven't pooped very much in there. I haven't done it yet. I can tell she's getting impatient. It's a standoff to see if she'll do it herself. I don't know why she asked in the first place.
I'm tired of materialism. I'm tired of people wanting to buy things because they have labels splashed across them. I have a pair of Juicy sweatpants and I hate them a little. I hate me a little for owning them. I hate it that they're so warm and comfy. Don't worry, I'm not wearing them right now.
I want to live in our apartment again. I want to do it over and do the right things. I want to screw on our balcony. I want to snuggle in bed each night. I want the opportunity to choose to live together again back. I want to go home.
Since I stopped remembering to take my Omega-3 vitamins my hair has stopped growing as fast.
D walked by a painting I did years ago last week and peered at it. He said "This is cool, where'd you get it?" "I painted it" I said. "You can't paint" he said. "Apparently I can" I said. "I didn't know" he said. "There are lots of things you don't know, there are lots of parts of me I haven't shared" I thought. I said nothing at all. He always used to talk about his ex and what a wonderful artist she was, so I never told him about me. I just didn't want to fall short in yet another way. I think it's good I didn't tell him.
The black cat is washing her face at the end of my bed. She's been trying to make it up to me that she's spent the last 3 months on my mother's lap.
My skin is very dry. I am too lazy to put lotion on. This will end badly... With itching and flaking.
I'm not angry. Just tired. Let's be clear about that up front.
Things are going so well and I love that. But I am tired of carrying all this weight around with me. I find that each day I wake up a little bit more exhausted. I've crawled in bed and there's part of me that doesn't intend to crawl out.
Who knows me anymore? Do I know me? Do I want to know me?
This girl, this woman, when I look at her I don't know her. She's different on the outside, and the inside's not the same anymore either. Will I recognize her when I drop the weight I'm carrying around with me?
Where has my father gone? I wonder when I'll figure that one out. I feel this clench in my chest every single time I think about it. Then I gently pry it off my heart and shove it somewhere deep inside. I know that can't be good, but I just can't cry every night. Physically, he's in the garage.
I still want to run away, I just want to do it in a nice structured way so it doesn't make me nervous. Is there any such thing as safe?
My mother asked me to change the cats' litter box three days ago. It doesn't smell. They haven't pooped very much in there. I haven't done it yet. I can tell she's getting impatient. It's a standoff to see if she'll do it herself. I don't know why she asked in the first place.
I'm tired of materialism. I'm tired of people wanting to buy things because they have labels splashed across them. I have a pair of Juicy sweatpants and I hate them a little. I hate me a little for owning them. I hate it that they're so warm and comfy. Don't worry, I'm not wearing them right now.
I want to live in our apartment again. I want to do it over and do the right things. I want to screw on our balcony. I want to snuggle in bed each night. I want the opportunity to choose to live together again back. I want to go home.
Since I stopped remembering to take my Omega-3 vitamins my hair has stopped growing as fast.
D walked by a painting I did years ago last week and peered at it. He said "This is cool, where'd you get it?" "I painted it" I said. "You can't paint" he said. "Apparently I can" I said. "I didn't know" he said. "There are lots of things you don't know, there are lots of parts of me I haven't shared" I thought. I said nothing at all. He always used to talk about his ex and what a wonderful artist she was, so I never told him about me. I just didn't want to fall short in yet another way. I think it's good I didn't tell him.
The black cat is washing her face at the end of my bed. She's been trying to make it up to me that she's spent the last 3 months on my mother's lap.
My skin is very dry. I am too lazy to put lotion on. This will end badly... With itching and flaking.
5 Comments:
Sorry you are going
through it girly.
Do you think you have
SAD? I can't remember
if we discussed this before,
but you definately always
seem more down as autumn/fall
goes into winter.
Not that you haven't got a
reason to be miserable with
losing your Dad and all.
D always starts getting a
bit iffy at this time as he
hates xmas and new year.
As you do if you are a quiet
unfussy bloke.
Which you are not.
And neither am I.
I've forgotten what I wanted
to say.
But chin up and don't worry
about those juicy/fruity clothes
because you would be a hero in Lowestoft. As they wear cheap
knock-offs. I always say I want
to be totally orginal and
only shop in quirky boutiques.
It never happens though!
Love ya!
Doesn't SAD have something to do with the sun not coming out as much or something? If that's it then that's definitely not my problem... Most days here, even in the winter are sunny.
Honestly, I think I'm just a little run down lately. I've been dealing with a situation that I choose not to blog about that's draining the hell out of me. It actually has nothing to do with D, which is amazing. He's actually pretty amazing lately. I have my normal frustration of "I'm super-emotional, he's not" but other than that we're doing really well.
This other situation (or two really) is just taking it out of me. I don't mean to be cryptic, there are just really good reasons not to talk about it on my blog.
Also, I love you, Raine-pie!
You mentioning about the cat litter tray threw me back to living in the shed where my mum would moan that I was letting limescale build up in the toilet 'because I wasnt cleaning it properly'- which was farcicle but she refused to hear my cries on how her inferior toiletbrush wasnt hitting that part of her insane victorian replica toilet. The stand offs we had over that sodding toilet and the condensation on the cabin windows and the dog poo in the garden and the gate being left open and the other multitude of things I didnt agree with her moaning over were, I felt, really picky. However - my point is its better to get parental stupidities done and out of the way as its one less thing thats going to cause more atmosphere, thats leads to arguments and in the end - you feeling shitty.
You are always so supportive of everyone else. I wish I could be there for you right now. Just to kick things around. Even if we never touch the topics you need to work out. Sometimes just talking makes you think better. Hugs.
Post a Comment
<< Home