So here's the deal my lovelies... I took the GRE (Graduate Record Exam) on Friday, it didn't go so well. Don't worry though, it went better when I took it again today. Made for a fairly stressful weekend though.
However, the stress isn't over, it's just begun. I've applied to three schools. Two here in Colorado, one in Washington. It is most likely that I will get into theWashington school. Which creates a problem... If I get in to Washington, and not here, what will happen to me and D? Before anyone gets all "don't give up your dreams for a man" I'll just state, I wouldn't. Part of my "dreams" for life are to be a wife and mother, specifically (at this point) D's wife and the mother of our kid. And I know that if he's a good guy he'll do long distance, or wait or whatever. I know those things. But I have to say that I want something now. I want to feel like I'm in this with him now. I've spent a lot of years watching people drift in and out of my life. He's one of the only ones who hasn't done much drifting. Regardless of these feelings I don't want to give up grad school. I feel like there may be a hard choice to make. There always is.
Then again, there may not be. While I know that I'm grad school material, I'm not sure the schools I'm applying to will see it the same way. While my grades have been more than excellent for the past five sememsters they certainly weren't before. In a horrible twist of fate, I also test rather badly. I didn't do terribly on the GRE, but I certainly didn't do as well as I'd like. I don't know. I don't even know where I'm at with anything right now.
I'm having these giant insecurities. GIANT. Around 10 last night I started thinking things like; "I used to be smart, I used to get great grades," "I used to be tall, thin and beautiful" (don't worry, I know I'm still tall and beautiful) "All my other boyfriend's parents' loved me, why do D's think I'm not good enough for him?" "Maybe I'm not good enough for him," "D's mom has TWO Master's Degrees, what if I can't even get into grad school?" And on and on... It was this whole line of thinking that mainly centered around the fact that D's brother and mom don't really seem to like me much. He honestly doesn't care, but they both seem to think that I'm not so great.
Ok, I'm just ranting now. I'll stop. But it'll give everyone something to read while I'm in Portland and Seattle for the next 5 days or so. I'm looking at University of Washington while I'm there, but mostly I'm going to relax. I'm sorry, I'll try to be more relaxed when I get home... Why I'm apologizing, I have no clue...
However, the stress isn't over, it's just begun. I've applied to three schools. Two here in Colorado, one in Washington. It is most likely that I will get into theWashington school. Which creates a problem... If I get in to Washington, and not here, what will happen to me and D? Before anyone gets all "don't give up your dreams for a man" I'll just state, I wouldn't. Part of my "dreams" for life are to be a wife and mother, specifically (at this point) D's wife and the mother of our kid. And I know that if he's a good guy he'll do long distance, or wait or whatever. I know those things. But I have to say that I want something now. I want to feel like I'm in this with him now. I've spent a lot of years watching people drift in and out of my life. He's one of the only ones who hasn't done much drifting. Regardless of these feelings I don't want to give up grad school. I feel like there may be a hard choice to make. There always is.
Then again, there may not be. While I know that I'm grad school material, I'm not sure the schools I'm applying to will see it the same way. While my grades have been more than excellent for the past five sememsters they certainly weren't before. In a horrible twist of fate, I also test rather badly. I didn't do terribly on the GRE, but I certainly didn't do as well as I'd like. I don't know. I don't even know where I'm at with anything right now.
I'm having these giant insecurities. GIANT. Around 10 last night I started thinking things like; "I used to be smart, I used to get great grades," "I used to be tall, thin and beautiful" (don't worry, I know I'm still tall and beautiful) "All my other boyfriend's parents' loved me, why do D's think I'm not good enough for him?" "Maybe I'm not good enough for him," "D's mom has TWO Master's Degrees, what if I can't even get into grad school?" And on and on... It was this whole line of thinking that mainly centered around the fact that D's brother and mom don't really seem to like me much. He honestly doesn't care, but they both seem to think that I'm not so great.
Ok, I'm just ranting now. I'll stop. But it'll give everyone something to read while I'm in Portland and Seattle for the next 5 days or so. I'm looking at University of Washington while I'm there, but mostly I'm going to relax. I'm sorry, I'll try to be more relaxed when I get home... Why I'm apologizing, I have no clue...
2 Comments:
Im sure I've commented on this now about 3 times and it just wont appear! - Must be something to do with my blogger beta sign in change.
However - in a nutshell from my experience its best to do what you can't do later NOW. Get your education/travelling/dossing about with friends.. etc all done now while you can.. while youre not in some big career or tied down with boyfriends and babies. I wish I'd done it that way around!
I agree.
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