I'm sorry it's been so long...
I've been busy and not busy at the same time.
I just finished the Christmas budget, I'm practically done with the shopping except for one thing for my mom and a few things for D. It's hard at Christmas because I have to figure in D's birthday which is on the 30th... He's always been cheated a little with the "combo gift" and I refuse to do that for him. So there's extra special budgeting to do.
I've been gathering materials to finish my critical essay for grad school. The applications are almost finished and ready to head out. I'm nervous and hopeful at the same time.
Mother and I keep having these weird arguments. We're both on edge because yesterday was the day Daddy went into the hospital and tomorrow's the day they cut into his head. It's really hard to come to the beginning of this really difficult six months that are landmined with anniversaries of his sickness and death.
I'm not going home with D for Christmas, and I think I'm relieved. Since I don't feel like his mother likes me too much it would be a difficult year to go back with him. There are several other issues at work in this decision, but it would take ages to get into now.
I miss my Dad so much. My throat chokes up several times a day and I have to swallow it all down. I just can't be crying all day. I sit in bed at night and just sob. In a related issue I miss D all the time now. With the idea that I might leave firmly etched into my mind I find myself aching to see him more.
It's difficult to believe that we used to have a different relationship than the one we have now. Things are consistently peaceful between us. He creates this bubble around me that seems to cushion the blows life keeps dealing.
I'm going to lose my job. There's a whole complex issue that my bosses didn't bring up to me that wouldn't be wise to discuss in this venue. All I will say is that it is NOT my fault in ANY way. No kidding, it isn't. It is however, resulting in job loss in the next month or so. In some ways this is awful, and in others it opens up lots of possibilities for me.
I feel like the whirlwind hasn't slowed down, I can't even remember when I felt like things were peaceful and easy. I'm always playing Catch-up. I am learning that the more deep breaths I take and the more lists I make, the less crazy I feel. I don't have so many crazy days anymore. I still feel the pulse of possiblility under my skin. The possibility that I'll lose control is always there.
The fat cat is curled up next to me. She has her paws covering her eyes in protest. Her purrs chastise, "Turn off the light." It is late.
I've been busy and not busy at the same time.
I just finished the Christmas budget, I'm practically done with the shopping except for one thing for my mom and a few things for D. It's hard at Christmas because I have to figure in D's birthday which is on the 30th... He's always been cheated a little with the "combo gift" and I refuse to do that for him. So there's extra special budgeting to do.
I've been gathering materials to finish my critical essay for grad school. The applications are almost finished and ready to head out. I'm nervous and hopeful at the same time.
Mother and I keep having these weird arguments. We're both on edge because yesterday was the day Daddy went into the hospital and tomorrow's the day they cut into his head. It's really hard to come to the beginning of this really difficult six months that are landmined with anniversaries of his sickness and death.
I'm not going home with D for Christmas, and I think I'm relieved. Since I don't feel like his mother likes me too much it would be a difficult year to go back with him. There are several other issues at work in this decision, but it would take ages to get into now.
I miss my Dad so much. My throat chokes up several times a day and I have to swallow it all down. I just can't be crying all day. I sit in bed at night and just sob. In a related issue I miss D all the time now. With the idea that I might leave firmly etched into my mind I find myself aching to see him more.
It's difficult to believe that we used to have a different relationship than the one we have now. Things are consistently peaceful between us. He creates this bubble around me that seems to cushion the blows life keeps dealing.
I'm going to lose my job. There's a whole complex issue that my bosses didn't bring up to me that wouldn't be wise to discuss in this venue. All I will say is that it is NOT my fault in ANY way. No kidding, it isn't. It is however, resulting in job loss in the next month or so. In some ways this is awful, and in others it opens up lots of possibilities for me.
I feel like the whirlwind hasn't slowed down, I can't even remember when I felt like things were peaceful and easy. I'm always playing Catch-up. I am learning that the more deep breaths I take and the more lists I make, the less crazy I feel. I don't have so many crazy days anymore. I still feel the pulse of possiblility under my skin. The possibility that I'll lose control is always there.
The fat cat is curled up next to me. She has her paws covering her eyes in protest. Her purrs chastise, "Turn off the light." It is late.
1 Comments:
The calming of nighttime is what i crave. I love to sit outside at night & just look at the stars. You're going to be alright. You have a strength that you don't even realize.
xoxo.
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