It's time. It's time for the year anniversaries to start. The landmarks of my father's death are here and as much as I want to I cannot ignore them. This is an inconvenient thing for everyone. Especially D, who has other problems to deal with. I think dealing with my re-grief (as I like to call it) is difficult for him. Everyone is going through stuff right now and all I want to do is stare at the wall and cry.

I am tired of this, but am hoping that if I can get through it that it will only get easier as time goes on. Every year may hurt a little less. I just wish it didn't seem like such an inconvenience for D. I can't imagine what kind of complicated resentment issues are being sewn into the threads of our relationship right now.

It finally came out last night that I am angry that he brought Brother here after leaving me for the summer. The words just came flowing out of my mouth that I didn't even know were there. That I think Brother is inconsiderate, doesn't like me, takes advantage of him and our kindness towards him as a couple. I feel like Brother doesn't wish us well and that may be why he says such nasty things to me, purposely behind D's back. I told D I feel so much resentment towards Brother because he didn't give me hardly a moment alone with D to grieve.

I know that I am really angry with D for leaving last spring, for bringing his brother back when he did finally come back and for never reprimanding his infantile acting brother for his constant disrespect to me. I wish I wasn't so angry. I'd love to just "let it go"... Wouldn't it be nice to do that kind of thing at will? If someone hurt you deeply to your core, simply press a button at the small of your back and the anger floats away on a beautiful white, satin parachute. That would be fantastic.

I think I'll try it.