How do we know when it's "over"? Is there some way that we're just supposed to know? If it isn't a situation that involves the obvious cues like abuse or lack of sexual attraction, when does the tension between two people move beyond a bump in the road, and into "over"?

I'm impatient as hell. I'm also fairly self-centered when it comes to relationships. I like to be the center of attention. So I know that a lot of my frustration with D right now comes from the fact that I'm not the center of HIS attention. He's so preoccupied with getting his life together that I've fallen into the periphery of his life-vision, or whatever. It's been a really long time since I heard that he thought I looked pretty. In fact, I can't remember the last time. That's hard for me to take. He doesn't say he loves me unless I say I love him first. I can't remember the last time he made any mention that anything I did was anything that made him feel good. He's unhappy with his life, and by association, he's making me kind of unhappy about mine. In addition to all this, I don't think he knows how serious he wants our relationship to be.

I'm in a weird place. I've done this thing for the past year or so where I've kind of weeded out a lot of the people that weren't good for me. Didn't leave me with a whole lot of friends. I feel really lonely sometimes. It's time for me to get back out there, start meeting people. Truly, that is what I want. But it's pretty scary. I've grown more and more frightened of rejection, and of other people really.

I miss my friend D. I miss my best friend. Somewhere in all this relationship crap I've lost him. Why can't we be both? We're all a little lost.

Our trip (that's where I went for the last five days) was strange. There were all these different elements to it. The first two days were all kisses and crazy sex. Then suddenly it was like there was this block between us and things got a little weird. Not bad, but weird. Our last night away we got into a minor confrontation. Nothing major, but a bad feeling has been pitted in the bottom of my stomach since then. In the middle of the night we were turned away from one another, I know we were both still mad, even though we pretended to be made up. I was lingering somewhere between fast asleep and awake when he turned over so fast it startled me. I was dioriented from my near-sleep experience and I started a bit, throwing my hands in front of my face. He was wide awake, and he shushed me gently, pulling me into his arms. I almost cried in relief as he held me. As our bodies both relaxed into sleep I thought "This is still love. I'm still in love. So is he." I can't quite shake the two feelings, the one that tells me something's wrong, and the one that tells me that we're still meant for each other.

Maybe it's all like he said "We're just going to have to wait and see."

I hate the rational approach.