"Start at the beginning, and when you've come to the end... Stop." -Alice in Wonderland
When we are children we often measure the wealth of other children's parents, and thusly, other children, by how many toys they have, what kinds of toys they have, and the things their parents let them do. Mind you, I mean that this is what we do before we learn the value of large houses and shiny, fast cars. This is before when truly know what "expensive" means. We simply see that other children have more toys than us, or better toys and therefore, must be what we are starting to recognize as "rich".
When I was a little girl I had no idea that I was "rich", I was made to wait until the "newest" doll wasn't so new anymore, usually until a birthday or Christmas. I didn't have nearly as many toys as other girls, whose parents, looking back, didn't have as much money as mine. My Mama grew up fairly poor, and my Daddy had more, but worked just as hard. I was taught as a child that working hard, having good manners and good values were the most important things in life. Nobody ever said anything to me that indicated that having lots of money was a good thing. I remember being told "no" a lot in stores, and playing with toys that were handmade. All my Barbies had clothes that were made for them, in addition to a few store-bought outfits. My Mama sewed clothes for my other dolls, and the books I read were from the library or the used bookstore.
Perhaps that is why the first time someone called me "rich" I was absolutely shocked. Or when girls I'd never had over before started to act impressed by our house I felt uncomfortable. I was even more uncomfortable with the idea that they gave me that I didn't act "rich". I wondered for a long time about what "rich" really was. I knew who the "rich" girls were at school, and I certainly wasn't one of them. They would, most likely, have told you the same thing.
When I was eleven we moved, and things evened out for a while, we moved into an area where most people had the same amount of "stuff". Of course there were some that had more, and some that had less. But the difference had grown smaller. It seemed like I was somewhere fairly in the middle.
Make no mistake, my parents have always provided me with nice things. I have always had pretty clothes and a fairly nice car to drive. But I shop at T.J. Maxx and Marshalls, I buy off the sale rack more than half the time, and I've never had a brand new car. The only piece of "couture" clothing I've ever had are a pair of pants from Prada, and those came from a roomate, an item left behind. They're also men's pants, adorable though. They are known as "the Prada pants". I've been known to say that Target is too expensive. My Mama has taught me how to dress stylishly on a ridiculously low budget. But yes, she is the one paying, still.
I am lucky, and believe me I know it. I know exactly where I'd be if my parents hadn't helped me out when I got too sick to take care of myself. I'd be nowhere. I'd be living at home, or someplace worse that I prefer not to spend too much time dwelling on. I fully appreciate what my parents have given me, and I know how hard they've worked to make sure that they could do it for me. It's one of the reasons I love them both so much. They've never spoiled me, but they've always made sure that I've had nicer things than they were able to have as children. I think that's what most people want though, is to be able to give their children, as good or better than what they had. Nobody ever scoffs when people say that, do they?
So why is it so bad for me that they were able to do it?
There is someone in my life who recently insinuated that I am a spoiled brat, one of those women who want to marry someone with enough money so they don't have to work. Don't ask, I'm not going to say who. Only that this person is close enough to me that they should know better. I'm not mad about the "spoiled" comment, I've been dealing with that for years, people see the house my parents live in, the cars they drive, and find out that they're paying for college and my living situation, and they draw conclusions. Inaccurate conclusions, but I see where they draw them from. They forget that my sister will never go to college, that she'll never drive a car. They forget that my parents haven't been on vacation in years, and that when they do it's never to resorts or to extravagent places. They don't know that my parents have NO DEBT. They don't know that my Mama is the Bargain Queen. They don't see her turn off lights as soon as she leaves a room, or open windows on hot days instead of running the a/c. They don't know. So that's ok, they can think I'm rich and spoiled if they want. Their opinions don't matter much anyway. What I resent about this person is that they know me so well, or I thought they did, and when these words came out of their mouth I was not only shocked, but deeply wounded.
I can be the doormat, it's true. I put up with a lot of shit that I probably shouldn't let slide. I make excuses for people that I love, because I love them. However there are a few issues I will not budge on EVER. Hit them and you're likely to get not only an earful from me, but feel the loss of my respect. They are these things:
1. Saying ANYTHING derrogatory about the mentally retarded. That includes using the word "retarded" in the sense that it was not meant for. Like; "That's retarded".
2. Any kind of cruelty to domestic animals (this does not include the killing of livestock) I will not debate this issue with you. Don't ask.
3. Calling me a "spoiled brat". I AM NOT A SPOILED BRAT.
You will upset my cup of tea and your own if you cannot follow these three simple things. Mostly, I don't care about them if I don't know you. I don't have the time or energy to run around championing these causes all the time, that isn't who I am. But if we are on an intimate level of friendship, or otherwise, you break these rules and we're gonna have a problem. Mostly because 1 and 3 are so deeply personal to me, 2 is just a good rule of thumb and gauge of character. Anyone who is close to me knows that 1 and 3 are the biggies. Or they should. Because all it takes is a minimal amount of attention and caring to see that my sister has Down Syndrome, and I am not spoiled.
I am a lot of things that are negative, and everyone here knows that I'm pretty open about saying what they are. If I think it's wrong with me, I'm not to proud to say it, or to apologize for it. So I think we can agree that I have a pretty accurate spin on this situation. If we don't agree for some reason... Well you've just violated number three of the "things I won't put up with" and you and I aren't going to last long anyway, eh?
When we are children we often measure the wealth of other children's parents, and thusly, other children, by how many toys they have, what kinds of toys they have, and the things their parents let them do. Mind you, I mean that this is what we do before we learn the value of large houses and shiny, fast cars. This is before when truly know what "expensive" means. We simply see that other children have more toys than us, or better toys and therefore, must be what we are starting to recognize as "rich".
When I was a little girl I had no idea that I was "rich", I was made to wait until the "newest" doll wasn't so new anymore, usually until a birthday or Christmas. I didn't have nearly as many toys as other girls, whose parents, looking back, didn't have as much money as mine. My Mama grew up fairly poor, and my Daddy had more, but worked just as hard. I was taught as a child that working hard, having good manners and good values were the most important things in life. Nobody ever said anything to me that indicated that having lots of money was a good thing. I remember being told "no" a lot in stores, and playing with toys that were handmade. All my Barbies had clothes that were made for them, in addition to a few store-bought outfits. My Mama sewed clothes for my other dolls, and the books I read were from the library or the used bookstore.
Perhaps that is why the first time someone called me "rich" I was absolutely shocked. Or when girls I'd never had over before started to act impressed by our house I felt uncomfortable. I was even more uncomfortable with the idea that they gave me that I didn't act "rich". I wondered for a long time about what "rich" really was. I knew who the "rich" girls were at school, and I certainly wasn't one of them. They would, most likely, have told you the same thing.
When I was eleven we moved, and things evened out for a while, we moved into an area where most people had the same amount of "stuff". Of course there were some that had more, and some that had less. But the difference had grown smaller. It seemed like I was somewhere fairly in the middle.
Make no mistake, my parents have always provided me with nice things. I have always had pretty clothes and a fairly nice car to drive. But I shop at T.J. Maxx and Marshalls, I buy off the sale rack more than half the time, and I've never had a brand new car. The only piece of "couture" clothing I've ever had are a pair of pants from Prada, and those came from a roomate, an item left behind. They're also men's pants, adorable though. They are known as "the Prada pants". I've been known to say that Target is too expensive. My Mama has taught me how to dress stylishly on a ridiculously low budget. But yes, she is the one paying, still.
I am lucky, and believe me I know it. I know exactly where I'd be if my parents hadn't helped me out when I got too sick to take care of myself. I'd be nowhere. I'd be living at home, or someplace worse that I prefer not to spend too much time dwelling on. I fully appreciate what my parents have given me, and I know how hard they've worked to make sure that they could do it for me. It's one of the reasons I love them both so much. They've never spoiled me, but they've always made sure that I've had nicer things than they were able to have as children. I think that's what most people want though, is to be able to give their children, as good or better than what they had. Nobody ever scoffs when people say that, do they?
So why is it so bad for me that they were able to do it?
There is someone in my life who recently insinuated that I am a spoiled brat, one of those women who want to marry someone with enough money so they don't have to work. Don't ask, I'm not going to say who. Only that this person is close enough to me that they should know better. I'm not mad about the "spoiled" comment, I've been dealing with that for years, people see the house my parents live in, the cars they drive, and find out that they're paying for college and my living situation, and they draw conclusions. Inaccurate conclusions, but I see where they draw them from. They forget that my sister will never go to college, that she'll never drive a car. They forget that my parents haven't been on vacation in years, and that when they do it's never to resorts or to extravagent places. They don't know that my parents have NO DEBT. They don't know that my Mama is the Bargain Queen. They don't see her turn off lights as soon as she leaves a room, or open windows on hot days instead of running the a/c. They don't know. So that's ok, they can think I'm rich and spoiled if they want. Their opinions don't matter much anyway. What I resent about this person is that they know me so well, or I thought they did, and when these words came out of their mouth I was not only shocked, but deeply wounded.
I can be the doormat, it's true. I put up with a lot of shit that I probably shouldn't let slide. I make excuses for people that I love, because I love them. However there are a few issues I will not budge on EVER. Hit them and you're likely to get not only an earful from me, but feel the loss of my respect. They are these things:
1. Saying ANYTHING derrogatory about the mentally retarded. That includes using the word "retarded" in the sense that it was not meant for. Like; "That's retarded".
2. Any kind of cruelty to domestic animals (this does not include the killing of livestock) I will not debate this issue with you. Don't ask.
3. Calling me a "spoiled brat". I AM NOT A SPOILED BRAT.
You will upset my cup of tea and your own if you cannot follow these three simple things. Mostly, I don't care about them if I don't know you. I don't have the time or energy to run around championing these causes all the time, that isn't who I am. But if we are on an intimate level of friendship, or otherwise, you break these rules and we're gonna have a problem. Mostly because 1 and 3 are so deeply personal to me, 2 is just a good rule of thumb and gauge of character. Anyone who is close to me knows that 1 and 3 are the biggies. Or they should. Because all it takes is a minimal amount of attention and caring to see that my sister has Down Syndrome, and I am not spoiled.
I am a lot of things that are negative, and everyone here knows that I'm pretty open about saying what they are. If I think it's wrong with me, I'm not to proud to say it, or to apologize for it. So I think we can agree that I have a pretty accurate spin on this situation. If we don't agree for some reason... Well you've just violated number three of the "things I won't put up with" and you and I aren't going to last long anyway, eh?
3 Comments:
Retarded is one of those words that has been made a 'no no' word because it has been associated with people with learning difficulties. It's taken an innocent word meaning 'slow or delayed' and turned it into taboo. I use 'retard' sometimes but Im insinuating that person is being slow not taking the piss out of ppl with learning difficulties. Now if I shouted 'you stupid downs sufferer' or 'hey autism face' at someone thats offensive and rightfully so deserves a mouthfull.
That said Im bad about putting my foot in my mouth...the other day the lemming whose dad shot himself a few years ago was talking about him. Not 10 minutes later I issued the term 'oh just shoot me' about something unrelated and felt like a heel. I also dont think it takes money to be deemed as 'spoiled' but I dont see you as spoiled either..she obviously couldnt find any other punches to pull.
Think about it this way... You call someone "retard" to indicate that they are slow, or stupid. Retarded is not an innocent word. Anyone can argue with me all they want. When it's your kid, or your sibling it's different. If it's somebody you know, maybe you get it a little. But when it's your kid, or your sister... It's a whole different ball game, and using the word "retard" to call somebody stupid is offensive to me, and plenty of other people. There are a lot of people who've had this argument with me, which is fine, I don't argue about this with people anymore. They say, "No, if it was my kid I wouldn't care, it'd still just be a word." I doubt that very much. My parents are some of the most un-PC people in the world, and I still see them both cringe every time somebody says "retard" or "retarded". It hurts because your using a word that is applied in a very clinical way to people like my sister, to call somebody else an idiot. Now that somebody else can probably defend themselves, it isn't like they were born that way. Don't make it sound like being a retard is such a bad thing. The best people in the world I know are retards.
I so didn't get into the "it doesn't take money" argument in my little rant last night. But I was thinking about it, especially because I think this person is a perfect example of someone who has gotten their way their whole life, but whose parents don't have tons of money to throw at them. I pretty much think that's spoiled.
I've figued that this person said that to me because they're worried about their own situation, it didn't have a lot to do with me. Which would be ok, except that they pulled one of the things that bugs me most in the world.
Well - the word retarded, which means slow, not stupid, was around before it was attached to the name of the condition - Mental Retardation.
The word retard is an innocent word. 'My plants growth is retarded by lack of sunlight' See, thats not offensive.
I understand your point - but people use many words without the meaning behind it - like when you use gods name in a blasphemous way - I dont mean it to be offensive to religious ppl...infact the thought of what Im actually saying doesnt cross my mind - the words come out through habit. I know you have your solid view on it - but its one of those things you cant take as a direct stab at you or your sister because people just say things out of habit. Like if the lemming got hurt every time someone said 'just shoot me' she'd be hurting a lot... she knows people dont actually mean that they want to be shot its a metaphor.
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